March 29, 1998

Friends are way better than boys.

-Vanessa

March 27, 1998

Dear Di,

You know what is very weird? Every time I move in English/ Math (Eli's classes with me) if I had not moved or he had not moved, we'd be right next to each other. In English, if I had stayed where I was, second desk, farthest from the door, I would have been in back of him because he now sits in the first desk farthest from the door. And today in math, I sat in the 1st of 2 desks against the wall. We moved, though, but if I remained where I was, Gorgeous would be sitting across from me.

I sit closer to Fran though, at least. I'd rather sit by her than you-know-who because at least we can talk. The ideal arrangement for me would have been if I sat by both E & F but you can't always get what you want.

March 21, 1998

Dear Di--

Sometimes I think it would be better not to love.

Tess & I slept over at Francine's last night, and amidst our laughing, giggling, complaints, and chatter, Tess said,

"U[...]. K. really likes you, Vanessa."

"Kinda lets ya know where ya said," Francine said, and the three of us laughed, because U.K., in Fran's opinion, is kind of a nerd, whereas Tess & I thought he was sort of cool.

I've had my heart trampled on too many times by Eli. The hurt is always fresh in my mind, the wounds renewed when he ignores me or (mockingly, possibly) insults me.

But I love him (as much as a teenager can) too much to let him go. I know I said there would be no talk of Eli & me, but if U.K. can like me, then why not Eli? (Even if U.K. IS a womanizer, like Tess says).

Where there is pain, there is joy, too. Feelings can be as wonderful as painful. Someday I'll get kissed by a really wonderful boy and I'll know that love is worth all the bittersweet pain.

Vanessa

March 18

Di--

It is over. I swear it is. Kaput. There will never be talk in here of E.K. & me again. I now have the evidence that he & Lena are in 7th grade love.

Lana's b.d. was yesterday. Wait, two days ago. Mona Petersen, Lena, Isabelle Norris, Babe Smithson, Ursula Canton, & Unity Abbott signed a card for her. I know all the people who signed it because Lana showed me on the bus.

I studied the card. "I didn't know you were friends with Ursula, Unity, and Lena," I remarked casually.

"Oh, I'm not, really. We just talk to each other at recess."

"Mmm..." [N]od of head.

"I mean, I never have them over or anything."

Gonna skip around now. I forgot all of what we said.

"But out of all of them, Unity and I are the closest of friends. She's gonna come over after dance in the summer and jump on the tramp w/ me." (Tramp stands for trampoline).

Now, I know we said something in between, but I forget. I DO remember the rest of our conversation from here, though.

"...Didn't you know? She's (Lena) going out with Eli."

I played dumb. "Well, I mean, I KNOW, sort of..." KNOW? I practically made it my LIFE to know what happened between them.

"She has 'I Love Eli' all over her notebook."

Oh. My. Lord.

"He gave her a stuffed animal for Valentine's Day..."

Him...her...

"...and they hugged. Didn't you see them?..."

Eli just ripped my heart out...

"Mona ran up to me and cried, 'Their first hug!'"

...and stomped on it.

I managed to laugh. "Their first hug? Sounds kinda funny."

Don't remember anything else, don't want to.

His arms

around her.

Her arms

around him.

Who wants the first piece of wedding cake?

I'm numb. I was such a fool to think he was interested in me. That ANY guy would be interested in me.

I should have known. I'm the ugliest female specimen on the planet. I was so, so crazy.

WHY? WHY? That question burns in my mind. WHY doesn't any guy like me? I wouldn't mind. I'd relish the thought of being a goddess in some guy's eyes. This perfect creature.

Wake up, Vanessa. The alarm's buzzing.

Me

March 15, 1998

Di--

Just checkin' in. I am gonna feel so stupid tomorrow getting my tests back. Chin up, Vanessa. Tomorrow's a new day.

Me

March 12

Di--

I'm so stupid! I'm crying in rage. No, this does not concern Eli. (Gasp!)

We took four big tests today. One was in math. Lately, I haven't felt very confident in my mathematical abilities. Well, my low self-esteem just reached rock bottom. I had trouble in a subtraction problem getting the answer and lower number to equal the highest number. I remembered the no's. and wanted to check them out on the calculator with the faint hope [that] I got the problem right. I can't contain myself anymore...

Great. I just burst into tears again. You probably think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. BUT I USED TO ACE MY TESTS. I GOT 100 %. A plus. And now look at me. I'm a wreck. I can't do anything right. I probably missed a million others.

I'm stupid. I'm just as dumb as everyone else. Hear me, you crazy, idiotic Diary??

I belong in all the dumb classes. I can't be a writer... probably, but no one had the guts to extinguish my dreams. I'm nothing. Nobody. I might as well be dead.

Stupid & Dumb,
Vanessa

March 11, 1998

Eli is not "mine." He never was & never will be. I have not and never will face reality, I guess. Eli does not & never will like me. I was a fool to think he might. From now on, it's Eli & Lena. They were together w/ their friends talking at recess in a little circle. And Mona Petersen was talking about them in art... about how close they live to each other, etc. (Sorry if my handwriting's sloppy. I don't really feel like writing).

V.

March 10, 1998

Dear wonderful, sweet Di--

He's back! He's back! My true love is back! Thank you, thank you!

Today in church, I was positive he wasn't here. So, keeping an eye on Father Tom, I absently skimmed over Mr. Overman's class, sitting ahead of us, all the while thinking of Eli & how he was probably in bed, watching TV. And then... I saw... that familiar head of beautiful hair.

"Ohmigod! It's him!" I screamed over & over to myself. But I had to "check." So I scooted over until I got a flash of his blue Adidas jacket. Yes!

I wanted to laugh. Could you believe it? I was more excited about him being here than Keith, his b.f.!

When we went to dump our lunch trays, Eli & Keith, who were right behind us, dumped theirs, too, and Eli craned his neck and asked, "Is that a fortune cookie in there?", looking at the food bin. (We were having Chinese, sort of).

I scooted around him to set my tray, and couldn't help it. I had to look at him, if briefly...

Yawn. It's 10:30. Tired. Gotta go.

(He's back, he's back, he's back... oh yeah!)

Vanessa

March 9, 1998

I'm just a LITTLE ticked off. I had a doctor's appointment and asked Mom to pick me up because Eli rides in a car, too, and maybe he would walk behind me or something.

Guess what? He wasn't at school today. He was SICK. Practically the one day out of the whole school year Mom picks me up and he isn't here! And I kinda wanted to redeem myself because at the beginning of the school year, when Mom picked me up and E.K. was THERE, she was late in coming, and I had to stand stupidly there like a lost soul while everyone else got into the cars their moms picked them up in on TIME.

Yet in a way, I'm glad he wasn't here. My hair, which I let down from its halfsies for once, got all tousled from the wind and looked terrible. Plus, I wasn't thinking right in math and said the sq. root of 100 was 50. So I saved myself from some humiliation.

Poor baby! I felt really bad for Eli, probably feverishing and throwing up everything he eats. (He probably thinks he's lucky, missing school).

He was on my mind even more than usual. I wish I were his girlfriend. Then I could go to his house and comfort him... feed him warm chicken noodle soup...

Vanessa

March 6, 1998

I think friends are an essential part of everyone's life, but especially when you're in junior high. Friends make or break you.

Until 5th grade, I didn't have any friends. I wasn't a snob, I was just extremely shy and didn't have the courage to hang around anybody. I was pretty friendly, though, I guess. When the girls needed someone to play Spud with, shy Vanessa, who had no friends, and would be GLAD, undoubtedly[,] to play, always accepted the invitation. And before we got clique-y here in the 7th grade, and before she became immensely popular, Kayleigh Quick invited me over to her house in 2nd grade. I bet if I ever brought THAT up, Kayleigh would deny it profusely (!)

Then, in 5th grade, I got chummy with Lana Carroll and Belle Oberst. We were best friends, but tense ones. Lana was always whispering because she knew I hated it. To me, it seemed she was trying to hog Belle, who always ended up stuck in the middle of two bickering friends.

I finally got tired of being the odd one out, and pressed the issue of "best friends" enough to cause a huge explosion. OK, a huge fight.

Seeing as how tight the three of us were, this news rocked the 5th grade world, and girls who were slowly gaining image and becoming popular... tried to make amends, in vain, might I add.

I spent more lonely days on the playground, while Belle, who sided with Lana, went around with her nose in the air. (Lana's nose was past the air).

Now, it may sound as though I am placing all the blame on them, as all humans are bound to do. But you must believe me. I started the fight, yes, but being on pins & needles, we would have fought eventually, given our situations. I just moved up the starting date. In short, I swear I did nothing really WRONG.

It was Babe Smithson who I really have to thank. If it weren't for her, I'd probably be moping around this very minute.

It was at recess, and I was scuffling around, feeling sorry for myself near where Babe, Ivy Nelson (she doesn't go here anymore), Francine, and Tess were playing.

"Vanessa," Babe called, "want to come over here and play?"

Did I ever! I leaped at the invitation, and gradually became a friend. I, at times, called them, frequently ate with them, et cetera. In short, I was having a grand old time.

More and more often, L & B would hang around us, watching as we Cracked the Whip. They finally got up the guts to ask to play. And so, eventually, they too became a part of my routine.

Eventually, though we did not become "friends," by mutual agreement, we accepted one another.

To make a LONG story short (skip a few parts here, delete something there...) here I am with Tess and Francine.

As I was saying, make or break. You NEED friends in junior high to be somewhat accepted, somewhat cool. With my two friends, I am accepted, if not The Queen of Coolness. Friends show that you are liked, that you're someone. I feel proud when Fran comes over to talk to me in math, or when I'm in the middle of them in Mass. It kinda displays that you're REALLY well liked, ya know? Geez, here I go repeating myself. Must be 'cause I'm tired. It's 10:30 on the dot. Glad it's Friday!

Night-night,
Sleepyhead

March 3, 1998

Dear wonderful Di,

Yes! Eli & I actually had a conversation! (Sort of).

Let me start at the beginning. We had gotten our math tests back and I was pretty steamed at him. He had beaten me by one lousy point! And everyone thinks I’m the smartest person in math. I got 40 out of 44[;] he got 41/44, which, I console myself with, 3 other people got as well.

Anyway, Mr. Kelly was going over the test, and we were on problem 9, which everyone was complaining they didn’t get. “Believe it or not, some people in here DO get this,” Mr. K. said lightly.

“Yeah, like Vanessa!”…

Upon hearing that, Eli turned in my direction and said, “Over here”/ “He’s right”/ “She’s right.” (I can’t believe I forgot!) Something like that, though.

Mr. Kelly had us do our redos, and Eli called to me (THIS I remember), “Vanessa, what’d you get for number 2?”

“Ida know. I got it wrong,” I called back. I felt so bad!

A little while later, I could not figure out the answer for (you got it!) number 9. I asked everyone around me if they had form B. Noah Hart did, but he got no. 9 wrong. So there was only one nearby choice: The Guy I’d Shave My Head For—Eli!

But I had to debate. After all, I was going to talk to the guy who’d win People’s Choice Award… 1-900, no sweat!...

“I can’t, I can’t I can’t!” one side of me thought desperately. But a stronger part of me said, “C’mon, talk to him! You can do it!”

So I sucked up my few measly ounces of courage and said, “Eli… Eli.”

He turned to look at me. “Yeah?”

“Do you have form B?”

His eyes went back and forth and he opened his mouth. “Yeah…” he said slowly, in kinda a DUH! tone.

“What’d you get for number 9?”

“Point 445.”

“Thanks.”

“My God, I did it!” I remember thinking. I was so triumphant and delirious with pride I’m surprised I didn’t pass out. I was floating on cloud 9 (what a coincidence!) the rest of the morning.

Another interesting thing happened concerning ANOTHER boy. (Don’t worry, Di, I’m still “loyal” to Eli).

Today at recess, somehow it came up, Tess said something about how someone thought I walked weird, but was fast. I was indignant. “I do too walk in a straight line,” I said, but started to laugh. “OK. I KNOW I can’t walk in a straight line. Tell me who it is. I may be steamed, but being weak & puny, I can’t beat them up.”

“No,” Tess agreed, “but I can.”

“Tell me,” Fran begged. “I won’t tell her.”

“Thanks,” I thought irritably.

We walked past Eli and his friends. “We’re approaching idiot territory,” I remarked nonchalantly.

My heart beat faster as we saw them. “Oh, God, Oh, God,” I thought. “What is he thinking?” And then, remembering that he IS a boy, “Is he thinking?”

Now that we were at our spot, I reminded Tess, “I’m going to keep badgering you until you tell me.”

“He has 17 letters in his name, including his middle.”

Silently, I began to tick off the impossible: E-L-I K-L-E-IN-

“Don’t worry,” Francine said in my ear, “it’s not Eli.”

Dang.

“Here’s a hint,” she continued. “GOL, Francine.”

Only one boy, actually one person[,] would & COULD say “Gol” like that. “Urban!” I whispered furiously.

Urban Tompkins rides Tess & Francine’s bus. He lives near Tess, & he, she, and the local neighborhood boys play street hockey regularly. He’s cute, funny, an awesome hockey player, and I had a BIG crush on him last year. It wasn’t as intense as Eli, but he made me laugh so much, how could I NOT like him?

My mind raced like tires squealing--fast!

I began to laugh, put my hands on my hips, said, “I can too walk in a straight line,” and proceeded to stumble through the snow.

Vanessa