Dear Di,
This is going to be a long entry. I've got so many feelings and thoughts I have to express to you.
I'll begin with the Eli-Lena situation. I haven't seen any affection between them, but what if they hide it? I know I'm torturing myself and should stop, but.. what if they've KISSED? I can just picture Eli's gorgeous lips pressed against Lena's.
Stop it, Vanessa! Hurting yourself isn't going to make this better. So they've... kissed. (That hurt). But what if they haven't? Oh, please God, don't have them kiss. Don't even let them hold HANDS. Keep them as far away from each other as possible.
I know I sound awful, Di, but you must understand. I've lusted after Eli since the 6TH GRADE. That's a year and a half. Too long, in my opinion. I'd let go, but I can't.
I don't get it. I haven't felt this way about anybody before. And I don't know if I like it or not. Why can't I pure and simple forget him?
Lena doesn't know how lucky she is. Or maybe she does. Maybe it's ME who needs to wake up and smell the coffee. This could be God's way of telling me that Eli wasn't, and never will be, mine.
If it IS true, then... I don't want to examine the possibilities.
I think about what I wrote that one late night about Francine and Karl and I am horrified. How could I think that? Yet there was a grain of truth in that entry. I was just saying that because I was so disgusted with myself over Eli and that nothing had yet happened.
Lately, I've been thinking more and more about the auditorium (gym) and the gym doors. Those are the two places where I could have taken a chance and said yes.
But what I don't think you understand, Di, is that when the guys ask us out, they're almost NEVER serious with Francine, Tess, and me.
We've learned from the other unpopular girls that to say "yes" is a fatal mistake, and we would be laughed off the face of the earth. So we say "no."
But-- I wonder-- (and don't you DARE laugh, Di) are some of the boys SERIOUS? Was ELI SERIOUS? (About the time in the gym?)
Of course not, you scoff, but you don't know something. And to tell it to you, I'll quote my old diary.
"Francine really liked my marker cap. She wanted it, too. So I made an agreement with her: play with it and pretty much keep it, but she had to give it to me. After nearly two yrs. of friendship, though, I'm just beginning to realize she doesn't always follow through. Basically-- Francine WOULD NOT GIVE IT BACK!
I finally cornered her in math class and ask[ed] that she please give it back.
Eli, who sits behind Francine and across from me (yippee!), started to understand the situation and try to grab it from her.
As we were doing that, I wondered, 'Is he by any chance doing this to and helping me as to win my approval?' I hoped so.
My hopes got higher each day as he continually asked if I had gotten my 'sucky thing' back.
And all I thought was, 'He remembered; he cared!'
Even though I eventually got it back, he continues to talk to me. When Francine grabbed my pencil pouch, Eli took hers. He pulls Francine's hair when me sees me laughing. I can SEE him staring at me out of the corner of my eye. He calls Francine dumb and me smart. And, I found out, when I mentioned it, he loves glazed donuts just like me!
Today, when we [were] heading in from the playground, he cried, 'Help! Keith's attacking me!' and grabbed my shoulders..."
(Oct. 24), '97
He could I have been so blind? He may have liked me then, but certainly not now! That explains "the gym scene." It was while I still sat by him. I don't know about you, Di, but during that time, I was in heaven!
Gotta go.
Vanessa
Eli + Vanessa= true love!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
January 28, 1998
Dear Di,
Eli & Lena? Eli & LENA? ELI & LENA? How can this be?
Newsflash: The love of my life and Lena Lenin are GOING OUT. Well, you can imagine how I reacted. I was near tears on the bus ride home. Only the presence of others around me kept me from breaking down and sobbing. As it was, I struggled to regain my composure.
How did this whole mess start, Di? Well, I'll "begin at the beginning."
As it so often does, the subject of Eli cropped up in our (Tess, Francine, & my) conversation. Francine can't stand the guy; I drool when I see him; and Tess just laughs at our recounts of him.
Today the subject was: "Eli and flirting."
"He's a flirter," Tess observed with the wisdom of only someone who could be a tomboy. "No offense, Vanessa," she added, shooting, a semi-sympathetic look in my direction. "But he is. He flirts with EVERYBODY. He even flirted with Vanessa."
I was so shocked I could barely choke out a sarcastic "Thanks." Flirting! Was that all our conversations ever amounted to? And here I thought he ENJOYED our short, brief talks. (Taking them seriously), might I add.
"See, look how he flirts with them." (Nancy, Unity, LENA). "It's disgusting," she added, laughing a little.
At the time, I was praying Eli wouldn't "succumb to her evil charms," as I put it a few entries back. I didn't know it was LENA I should be nervous about. I mean, Eli had been spending an awful lot of time over there on "their" side of the playground. Meanwhile, I had been trying to ignore the obvious. (Without success). But today I was shoved into reality. And it's all Mona Petersen's fault.
It was before the "good paper" assembly. I was going to talk to Tess who sits across from me. SHE was talking to M.P.
"...so cute." I caught the last of their conversations. (Mona's gabbing, actually).
"Who's cute?" I asked, dreading the words "Eli and Nancy."
Instead I heard "Eli and Lena." Actually ELI and Lena. "They're so cute," she babbled, "trying to talk to each other on the playground." She added before this, "They're going out."
You're probably confused, so I'll repeat the whole thing in order.
"Eli and Lena. They're going out. They're so cute trying to talk to each other on the playground."
If mouths had unlimited vertical use, mine would have hit the bottom school floor. Luckily, it didn't. I was able to muster my courage and walk away as if I heard stuff like this all the time. In truth, tears were prickling my eyelids.
He picked mousy Lena over me? Well! That's all I can manage to write. B-but, b-, b-but, I'm BETTER than Lena. So I'm "smart," I guess. But only compared to people in the lower class. Still, I DO pay attention in class, and Lena does a relative amount of time. But she probably doesn't pay attention ALL the time, and hates school, and gets OK grades. So he probably likes her 'cause of that. Plus, she's semi-pretty & popular. (More so than me!) And most important-- she said YES!
It's so ironic, Di, that I happened to think of him trying to ask me out, last year[,] and yes doesn't come to mind. This year, too. I COULD'VE said yes, I know. But how did I know it was for real? How did LENA know? How did she manage to avoid junior high humiliation?
The answer makes me sick and miserable: Because HE LIKED HER and WANTED to go out with her. (Unlike me). It was all just a joke. I'm nobody special. Lena's got my man, that's all there is to it.
Francine said Eli is a people person. "That's why he's got Keith bound to his leg," she said. "He's sociable. He NEEDS attention."
I laughingly agreed; he needed KEITH's help to ask me out!
Francine said that's what this is, that Eli just wants attention, and he's getting it from his dating Lena.
But I have said other thoughts. I bet they like each other. Lena always wanted to sit by him, etc. And Eli... well, I don't know about him. (I never do!) There are times when I just wanted to scream at him. But I don't have the strength. If Lena's the one he wants, what's to stop him? I bet they're a match made in heaven. But... I just can't help wishing that I, not Lena Lenin, were on Eli's list of high priorities.
Vanessa
P.S.-- Eli and Lena; Lena Klein; Mr. and Mrs. Lena Klein; L.K. Yuck! Those all sound horrible! More soon.
Eli & Lena? Eli & LENA? ELI & LENA? How can this be?
Newsflash: The love of my life and Lena Lenin are GOING OUT. Well, you can imagine how I reacted. I was near tears on the bus ride home. Only the presence of others around me kept me from breaking down and sobbing. As it was, I struggled to regain my composure.
How did this whole mess start, Di? Well, I'll "begin at the beginning."
As it so often does, the subject of Eli cropped up in our (Tess, Francine, & my) conversation. Francine can't stand the guy; I drool when I see him; and Tess just laughs at our recounts of him.
Today the subject was: "Eli and flirting."
"He's a flirter," Tess observed with the wisdom of only someone who could be a tomboy. "No offense, Vanessa," she added, shooting, a semi-sympathetic look in my direction. "But he is. He flirts with EVERYBODY. He even flirted with Vanessa."
I was so shocked I could barely choke out a sarcastic "Thanks." Flirting! Was that all our conversations ever amounted to? And here I thought he ENJOYED our short, brief talks. (Taking them seriously), might I add.
"See, look how he flirts with them." (Nancy, Unity, LENA). "It's disgusting," she added, laughing a little.
At the time, I was praying Eli wouldn't "succumb to her evil charms," as I put it a few entries back. I didn't know it was LENA I should be nervous about. I mean, Eli had been spending an awful lot of time over there on "their" side of the playground. Meanwhile, I had been trying to ignore the obvious. (Without success). But today I was shoved into reality. And it's all Mona Petersen's fault.
It was before the "good paper" assembly. I was going to talk to Tess who sits across from me. SHE was talking to M.P.
"...so cute." I caught the last of their conversations. (Mona's gabbing, actually).
"Who's cute?" I asked, dreading the words "Eli and Nancy."
Instead I heard "Eli and Lena." Actually ELI and Lena. "They're so cute," she babbled, "trying to talk to each other on the playground." She added before this, "They're going out."
You're probably confused, so I'll repeat the whole thing in order.
"Eli and Lena. They're going out. They're so cute trying to talk to each other on the playground."
If mouths had unlimited vertical use, mine would have hit the bottom school floor. Luckily, it didn't. I was able to muster my courage and walk away as if I heard stuff like this all the time. In truth, tears were prickling my eyelids.
He picked mousy Lena over me? Well! That's all I can manage to write. B-but, b-, b-but, I'm BETTER than Lena. So I'm "smart," I guess. But only compared to people in the lower class. Still, I DO pay attention in class, and Lena does a relative amount of time. But she probably doesn't pay attention ALL the time, and hates school, and gets OK grades. So he probably likes her 'cause of that. Plus, she's semi-pretty & popular. (More so than me!) And most important-- she said YES!
It's so ironic, Di, that I happened to think of him trying to ask me out, last year[,] and yes doesn't come to mind. This year, too. I COULD'VE said yes, I know. But how did I know it was for real? How did LENA know? How did she manage to avoid junior high humiliation?
The answer makes me sick and miserable: Because HE LIKED HER and WANTED to go out with her. (Unlike me). It was all just a joke. I'm nobody special. Lena's got my man, that's all there is to it.
Francine said Eli is a people person. "That's why he's got Keith bound to his leg," she said. "He's sociable. He NEEDS attention."
I laughingly agreed; he needed KEITH's help to ask me out!
Francine said that's what this is, that Eli just wants attention, and he's getting it from his dating Lena.
But I have said other thoughts. I bet they like each other. Lena always wanted to sit by him, etc. And Eli... well, I don't know about him. (I never do!) There are times when I just wanted to scream at him. But I don't have the strength. If Lena's the one he wants, what's to stop him? I bet they're a match made in heaven. But... I just can't help wishing that I, not Lena Lenin, were on Eli's list of high priorities.
Vanessa
P.S.-- Eli and Lena; Lena Klein; Mr. and Mrs. Lena Klein; L.K. Yuck! Those all sound horrible! More soon.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
January 27, 1998
Dear Di,
De-dum, de-dum, de-dum. More on my "horrible" entry. I haven't covered my feelings about Francine. Of course, I want her to be happy. And I know it sounds funny, but her "love life" seems to be going better than mine. She told me today that Karl was doing some honest-to-goodness-staring at her. I'm happy for her, but how come Eli never stares at ME? The answer is as obvious as the question: he doesn't like me. DUH, VANESSA. Get a clue! (A lot, for that matter). HE DOES NOT LIKE YOU. HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER LIKE YOU. GET OVER IT!
OK, OK. I'm not over it, but I'm trying. Let's review the facts.
#1 Eli is a CUTE guy.
#2 Eli is also semi-popular.
#3 Guys like him do not go for losers like me.
End of story.
I've got to stop thinking like this. True, Eli is a semi-popular hunk, and probably does not like me. But that doesn't mean I can['t] like me for me anyway.
Heck, last year on the first few days of school, I didn't give a thought to E. until he (tried to) ask me out.
Oh, did I forget to mention that? It was one of the first days of school, maybe the first. End of the day. I was heading for the gym. In fact, I was passing INTO it when I heard a familiar voice call my name.
"Vanessa!"
I turned. There was Keith, and beside him this guy I didn't even know. I remembered he was new, and in my class.
"Um." He stuttered. He looked down at the floor, grinning. Keith pushed him forward, grinning too.
He (Eli) looked up, I think. He met my eyes. "Kinda cute," I thought.
The bell rang. Well, I had a bus to catch, and I was not about to be delayed by a guy I didn't even know. (And who hadn't gotten his point across). So I turned... and walked into the gym.
I know what you're "thinking," Di. How rude! It could have been the start of something special. And I just HAD to be an idiot & walk out. But you can't exactly blame me. I DID have a bus to catch.
The end[.]
Vanessa
De-dum, de-dum, de-dum. More on my "horrible" entry. I haven't covered my feelings about Francine. Of course, I want her to be happy. And I know it sounds funny, but her "love life" seems to be going better than mine. She told me today that Karl was doing some honest-to-goodness-staring at her. I'm happy for her, but how come Eli never stares at ME? The answer is as obvious as the question: he doesn't like me. DUH, VANESSA. Get a clue! (A lot, for that matter). HE DOES NOT LIKE YOU. HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER LIKE YOU. GET OVER IT!
OK, OK. I'm not over it, but I'm trying. Let's review the facts.
#1 Eli is a CUTE guy.
#2 Eli is also semi-popular.
#3 Guys like him do not go for losers like me.
End of story.
I've got to stop thinking like this. True, Eli is a semi-popular hunk, and probably does not like me. But that doesn't mean I can['t] like me for me anyway.
Heck, last year on the first few days of school, I didn't give a thought to E. until he (tried to) ask me out.
Oh, did I forget to mention that? It was one of the first days of school, maybe the first. End of the day. I was heading for the gym. In fact, I was passing INTO it when I heard a familiar voice call my name.
"Vanessa!"
I turned. There was Keith, and beside him this guy I didn't even know. I remembered he was new, and in my class.
"Um." He stuttered. He looked down at the floor, grinning. Keith pushed him forward, grinning too.
He (Eli) looked up, I think. He met my eyes. "Kinda cute," I thought.
The bell rang. Well, I had a bus to catch, and I was not about to be delayed by a guy I didn't even know. (And who hadn't gotten his point across). So I turned... and walked into the gym.
I know what you're "thinking," Di. How rude! It could have been the start of something special. And I just HAD to be an idiot & walk out. But you can't exactly blame me. I DID have a bus to catch.
The end[.]
Vanessa
Monday, October 26, 2009
January 26, 1998
Dear Di,
When I think what I wrote in that last entry, I can hardly believe it. My head must not be on straight. Sure, Karl is cute, VERY CUTE, and nicer than Eli, but he just doesn't have "that effect" on me. My heart doesn't speed up and tap-dance when I see him, like it does with Eli. And I swear, it DOES take effort to take my eyes off him. (E.K).
I guess I've described Karl as a slimeball, greaseball, etc. to Francine that I actually am believing it. He's just a stupid, moronic guy who happens to be blessed with good looks.
That has me thinking. I mean, guys are cute just by chance. It's not like they have a chance or choice. Eli's dad must have been a major hunk. How else could the guy I swoon over be so drool-worthy? His mom's OK-looking. She's nice, too.
Let me rephrase myself: Eli's dad must [be] (or still is) the most arrogant, self- centered, gorgeous jerk on the planet. It's the only way he could be so cute and such a jerk.
On to something else. In my letters, I use to bare my soul to Francine. Did she (to me?) I remember early this year how Francine was so infatuated with K.I. and would yack my ear off about "how cute he is." At that time, I was really bored. I couldn't understand how someone could base a whole conversation on a guy!
This was my reasoning: They're cute. But they're GUYS! Doesn't that say it all?
When we are the most "in love," I think, is when we are at our most innocent and vulnerable. This is when we spill our secrets in earnest, don't care if they're personal. They've been pent up so long (or short, in Francine's case) that we're bursting. (I'm talking about when we first develop a crush). It doesn't matter if someone isn't listening. All that matters is our feelings, and that we can finally share them with someone, no matter how uninterested they are.
Always & Forever,
Vanessa
When I think what I wrote in that last entry, I can hardly believe it. My head must not be on straight. Sure, Karl is cute, VERY CUTE, and nicer than Eli, but he just doesn't have "that effect" on me. My heart doesn't speed up and tap-dance when I see him, like it does with Eli. And I swear, it DOES take effort to take my eyes off him. (E.K).
I guess I've described Karl as a slimeball, greaseball, etc. to Francine that I actually am believing it. He's just a stupid, moronic guy who happens to be blessed with good looks.
That has me thinking. I mean, guys are cute just by chance. It's not like they have a chance or choice. Eli's dad must have been a major hunk. How else could the guy I swoon over be so drool-worthy? His mom's OK-looking. She's nice, too.
Let me rephrase myself: Eli's dad must [be] (or still is) the most arrogant, self- centered, gorgeous jerk on the planet. It's the only way he could be so cute and such a jerk.
On to something else. In my letters, I use to bare my soul to Francine. Did she (to me?) I remember early this year how Francine was so infatuated with K.I. and would yack my ear off about "how cute he is." At that time, I was really bored. I couldn't understand how someone could base a whole conversation on a guy!
This was my reasoning: They're cute. But they're GUYS! Doesn't that say it all?
When we are the most "in love," I think, is when we are at our most innocent and vulnerable. This is when we spill our secrets in earnest, don't care if they're personal. They've been pent up so long (or short, in Francine's case) that we're bursting. (I'm talking about when we first develop a crush). It doesn't matter if someone isn't listening. All that matters is our feelings, and that we can finally share them with someone, no matter how uninterested they are.
Always & Forever,
Vanessa
Saturday, October 24, 2009
January 24, 1998
I'm nearing the end of "The Diary of Anne Frank." I read it numerous times-- it's one of my favorite books.
Anne & I are so different! Especially in the way of topics. To quote her [:] "I'm too wrapped up in myself" to talk about food rations, how the Secret Annex is set out, how Mr. Kugler's stomach is constantly bleeding, etc.
And yet, if I were to be in hiding as she was, I might talk of such things, too. At the very least, I wouldn't be thinking about me, me, me. Oh yes, & Eli.
I can feel the anger rushing back to yesterday, Friday, on the playground. Being boys, Eli & his equally brainless best friend, Keith Kopp, had to go and stir up trouble by hitting snow at us w/ their hockey sticks.
When I think about what Eli said, I guess he had some right. I mean, there I was, standing stupidly, unable to tear my eyes away while Francine & Tess were getting them back by kicking snow and throwing it at them.
And then he said it. "Get Vanessa, she's the weak one," he said to Keith. "Thanks," I said sarcastically.
A little while later, still seething, Francine called me Stickgirl. (For some odd, forgotten, unknown reason).
Of course, Eli had to weasel his way into the conversation & call me something. (Forgot that, too). "Don't call her that," Francine exclaimed. "Call her Stickgirl." (By the way, they call me that because, according to them, I'm "a stick with bones & flesh." Francine again). "OK. Stickgirl," Eli said.
I wanted to wring their little necks. They're so cruel, mean-spirited, sarcastic, etc. They're just perfect for each other. As fate would have it, they hate each other's guts. I secretly think Francine likes him, but won't admit it. (To me or herself, if she hasn't already).
As for Karl Isaacson, her current "lover," she thinks we're a match made in heaven. We've both got dark hair, are smart, slow to absorb things, have the same amount of letters in our last names, etc. The list goes on and on.
Sometimes I wish I could have a crush on him, just to make Francine mad or jealous. And I do, sort of. But she wouldn't get mad. She probably wouldn't even care.
DO I like Karl? Sure, he's cute. OK. Very cute. OK. Super cute. He doesn't compare to Eli (in cuteness), but he's got a much better personality. Francine thinks he's scum. See, at the beginning of the yr., she was REALLY infatuated with him. Enough to send him a letter telling him she "sort of" liked him. (Just to be on the safe side). Anyhow, we agree (F & I) that Karl's friends were by his desk when he got the letter. And the next thing anyone knew, Uri Irving & Noah Hart were asking Fran if she wanted to go out with him. "Maybe. I'll have to think about it," she replied. Inside, we both knew she was literally DYING to say yes.
So where does all that bring us back, Di? Oh, yes, to him himself.
When I talk or write to Francine, he comes off from me as a scumbag, a greaseball, when deep down inside, here, where I can be confident no one will see this, I think he's really funny, sweet, if a little impatient. But aren't we all?
I've let on to Francine that I think he's cute. But she'll (hopefully) never know HOW cute. Because we're talking complete, utter gorgeousness. And it's so endearing to see him stutter. I won't deny I've let my eyes wander to where he's sitting quite a few times. Oh, Francine would hopefully be so infuriated if she knew!
Am I mean person? Looking over this last sentence, I seem the epitome of cold and uncaring to want to see one of my best (maybe) friends more miserable than she already is over him.
"What is it I want?" I ask myself. Do I really like Karl as much as I think I do, or am I just pretending to like him because my "relationship" with Eli is going nowhere? Or do I really "like" him?
The terrible truth is, I WANT to see Francine unhappy. But why? What is there to gain from her being more depressed than she already is? WHY do I want her moping around? And perhaps most pressing of all-- WHY?
I really am a horrible person. I always thought of me as not as nice as I could be, but at least OK. I haven't felt so venomous toward her. There is nothing she has that I want. (Except a dog and a family that's not kooky like mine).
Everything is happening so fast. My feelings for Eli, Francine, Karl, even me. YOU, at least, are stable. I'll never hate you, or fall head-over-heels in "love" with you, or be uncertain about my feelings.
No, you are and always will be the same. I can trust you not to leak things I want hidden, or to hurl snow at me. You will always be waiting patiently for me to sort out my jumbled thoughts.
I thank you, with all my heart. And I know that with you here, I'll get through the mess. Somehow.
P.S. I really don't feel like ending these all with "Sincerely" or "Yours," like Anne. So from how on, I'll end with whatever I feel like. And no more '98. It's really stupid!
Truly,
Vanessa
Anne & I are so different! Especially in the way of topics. To quote her [:] "I'm too wrapped up in myself" to talk about food rations, how the Secret Annex is set out, how Mr. Kugler's stomach is constantly bleeding, etc.
And yet, if I were to be in hiding as she was, I might talk of such things, too. At the very least, I wouldn't be thinking about me, me, me. Oh yes, & Eli.
I can feel the anger rushing back to yesterday, Friday, on the playground. Being boys, Eli & his equally brainless best friend, Keith Kopp, had to go and stir up trouble by hitting snow at us w/ their hockey sticks.
When I think about what Eli said, I guess he had some right. I mean, there I was, standing stupidly, unable to tear my eyes away while Francine & Tess were getting them back by kicking snow and throwing it at them.
And then he said it. "Get Vanessa, she's the weak one," he said to Keith. "Thanks," I said sarcastically.
A little while later, still seething, Francine called me Stickgirl. (For some odd, forgotten, unknown reason).
Of course, Eli had to weasel his way into the conversation & call me something. (Forgot that, too). "Don't call her that," Francine exclaimed. "Call her Stickgirl." (By the way, they call me that because, according to them, I'm "a stick with bones & flesh." Francine again). "OK. Stickgirl," Eli said.
I wanted to wring their little necks. They're so cruel, mean-spirited, sarcastic, etc. They're just perfect for each other. As fate would have it, they hate each other's guts. I secretly think Francine likes him, but won't admit it. (To me or herself, if she hasn't already).
As for Karl Isaacson, her current "lover," she thinks we're a match made in heaven. We've both got dark hair, are smart, slow to absorb things, have the same amount of letters in our last names, etc. The list goes on and on.
Sometimes I wish I could have a crush on him, just to make Francine mad or jealous. And I do, sort of. But she wouldn't get mad. She probably wouldn't even care.
DO I like Karl? Sure, he's cute. OK. Very cute. OK. Super cute. He doesn't compare to Eli (in cuteness), but he's got a much better personality. Francine thinks he's scum. See, at the beginning of the yr., she was REALLY infatuated with him. Enough to send him a letter telling him she "sort of" liked him. (Just to be on the safe side). Anyhow, we agree (F & I) that Karl's friends were by his desk when he got the letter. And the next thing anyone knew, Uri Irving & Noah Hart were asking Fran if she wanted to go out with him. "Maybe. I'll have to think about it," she replied. Inside, we both knew she was literally DYING to say yes.
So where does all that bring us back, Di? Oh, yes, to him himself.
When I talk or write to Francine, he comes off from me as a scumbag, a greaseball, when deep down inside, here, where I can be confident no one will see this, I think he's really funny, sweet, if a little impatient. But aren't we all?
I've let on to Francine that I think he's cute. But she'll (hopefully) never know HOW cute. Because we're talking complete, utter gorgeousness. And it's so endearing to see him stutter. I won't deny I've let my eyes wander to where he's sitting quite a few times. Oh, Francine would hopefully be so infuriated if she knew!
Am I mean person? Looking over this last sentence, I seem the epitome of cold and uncaring to want to see one of my best (maybe) friends more miserable than she already is over him.
"What is it I want?" I ask myself. Do I really like Karl as much as I think I do, or am I just pretending to like him because my "relationship" with Eli is going nowhere? Or do I really "like" him?
The terrible truth is, I WANT to see Francine unhappy. But why? What is there to gain from her being more depressed than she already is? WHY do I want her moping around? And perhaps most pressing of all-- WHY?
I really am a horrible person. I always thought of me as not as nice as I could be, but at least OK. I haven't felt so venomous toward her. There is nothing she has that I want. (Except a dog and a family that's not kooky like mine).
Everything is happening so fast. My feelings for Eli, Francine, Karl, even me. YOU, at least, are stable. I'll never hate you, or fall head-over-heels in "love" with you, or be uncertain about my feelings.
No, you are and always will be the same. I can trust you not to leak things I want hidden, or to hurl snow at me. You will always be waiting patiently for me to sort out my jumbled thoughts.
I thank you, with all my heart. And I know that with you here, I'll get through the mess. Somehow.
P.S. I really don't feel like ending these all with "Sincerely" or "Yours," like Anne. So from how on, I'll end with whatever I feel like. And no more '98. It's really stupid!
Truly,
Vanessa
Thursday, October 22, 2009
January 22, 1998
Dear Di,
I got my hair "trimmed" today and my bangs cut. I didn't know an inch was so much!
At any rate, I like my cut-- and new glasses. Not to brag, but I think I look really good. I bet E.K. won't even notice! Either that[,] or he'll think I look worse than before. In my dreams he'll think I look great. (Or sexy).
Report cards today.
Religion: A (was A+)
English: A (was A-) Yay!
Math: A+ (stayed the same)
Soc. Stud., Science: A & A (same)
Spelling: A (was A+)
My gosh, I'm putting REPORT CARD GRADES IN HERE. To quote Francine, my life really IS pathetic.
I'm not trying to be a bore. It's just that what I write about (my feelings for Eli) have stayed the same. (Madly in love).
Much as I want to tell you interesting stuff, like news & what happened at school, I can't. Right now my primary focus is on you-know-who. And I can't talk, write, or think about anything else except the-relationship-that-never-was.
Sincerely,
Vanessa
I got my hair "trimmed" today and my bangs cut. I didn't know an inch was so much!
At any rate, I like my cut-- and new glasses. Not to brag, but I think I look really good. I bet E.K. won't even notice! Either that[,] or he'll think I look worse than before. In my dreams he'll think I look great. (Or sexy).
Report cards today.
Religion: A (was A+)
English: A (was A-) Yay!
Math: A+ (stayed the same)
Soc. Stud., Science: A & A (same)
Spelling: A (was A+)
My gosh, I'm putting REPORT CARD GRADES IN HERE. To quote Francine, my life really IS pathetic.
I'm not trying to be a bore. It's just that what I write about (my feelings for Eli) have stayed the same. (Madly in love).
Much as I want to tell you interesting stuff, like news & what happened at school, I can't. Right now my primary focus is on you-know-who. And I can't talk, write, or think about anything else except the-relationship-that-never-was.
Sincerely,
Vanessa
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Things to which I am looking forward in winter 2009
The Guthrie’s A Christmas Carol seen 2006, 2008 (2009)
Macy’s 8th floor show 2006 (2009)
Macy’s Oak Grill Room 2006, 2008 (2009)
Nicollet Mall Barnes and Noble w/ Starbucks 2006 (2009)
Period rooms at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts (2009)
St Paul Hotel “It’s a Wonderful Life Tea” 2007, 2008 (2009)
Macy’s 8th floor show 2006 (2009)
Macy’s Oak Grill Room 2006, 2008 (2009)
Nicollet Mall Barnes and Noble w/ Starbucks 2006 (2009)
Period rooms at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts (2009)
St Paul Hotel “It’s a Wonderful Life Tea” 2007, 2008 (2009)
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
January 14, 1998
Dear Di,
I can't concentrate. I hate him! I hate him! (Eli, of course). JUST when I thought I was down to the like stage, he had to throw little pieces of paper at me 3 times during math. That doesn't prove anything. It doesn't say he likes me. It just... I can't really describe it. It made me so MAD!! The first time, he was grinning at me in his make-your-heart-melt grin I fall for every time.
"It was Abby," he said, pointing to her. "Yeah, right," I said, forcing myself to peel my eyes away from those beautiful ones.
The next time, he had the nerve to grab a marker and look like he was scribbling. The jerk! The stupid, idiotic, hunky, drop-dead, droolworthy jerk! I don't even remember the third time because I didn't look up when the paper landed in my lap.
No guy, I repeat, has ever caused me this much heartache. I've never liked a guy this long, or felt this way about one before. And I hate it!
What I wouldn't give to be a tomboy!
Sincerely,
Vanessa
I can't concentrate. I hate him! I hate him! (Eli, of course). JUST when I thought I was down to the like stage, he had to throw little pieces of paper at me 3 times during math. That doesn't prove anything. It doesn't say he likes me. It just... I can't really describe it. It made me so MAD!! The first time, he was grinning at me in his make-your-heart-melt grin I fall for every time.
"It was Abby," he said, pointing to her. "Yeah, right," I said, forcing myself to peel my eyes away from those beautiful ones.
The next time, he had the nerve to grab a marker and look like he was scribbling. The jerk! The stupid, idiotic, hunky, drop-dead, droolworthy jerk! I don't even remember the third time because I didn't look up when the paper landed in my lap.
No guy, I repeat, has ever caused me this much heartache. I've never liked a guy this long, or felt this way about one before. And I hate it!
What I wouldn't give to be a tomboy!
Sincerely,
Vanessa
Thursday, October 8, 2009
January 8, 1998
Dear Di,
I feel as though I'm leading a double life. At school, and in my letters to Francine, I come across as a girl who's pining for you-know- who. I almost can't believe how I poured out my heart and soul to FRANCINE!! She cares about my problems as much as she cares for liver. It doesn't matter to her that I'm hurt and confused. She's in her own little world that has only herself, Karl Isaacson, and donuts. Of course, this was all before I had YOU. So I can't really tell her the truth-- it'd go in one ear and out the other. And Tess-- she's too much of a tomboy to be REALLY interested. That leaves only you who REALLY cares. From now on, I have to downplay the Eli situation. I'll pretend I don't really care, that it doesn't matter. Of course, I'm bound to mess up & tell all to Francine. But then I'll silently remind myself she doesn't care squat about me. Or about my problems. Francine's great aside from being violent (I receive a swat or more from her when I insult her, or she'll be really steamed & chase me across the playground 'till she catches me & jerks me around), pushy, rude, too straightforward, greedy, & self-centered. (Like me). What's there to like? She's funny, and admits she's fat & lazy.
So, now you know why I feel like I'm leading a double life. No one would guess that Vanessa Waltz would be this troubled. And neither can I!
Sincerely,
Vanessa
I feel as though I'm leading a double life. At school, and in my letters to Francine, I come across as a girl who's pining for you-know- who. I almost can't believe how I poured out my heart and soul to FRANCINE!! She cares about my problems as much as she cares for liver. It doesn't matter to her that I'm hurt and confused. She's in her own little world that has only herself, Karl Isaacson, and donuts. Of course, this was all before I had YOU. So I can't really tell her the truth-- it'd go in one ear and out the other. And Tess-- she's too much of a tomboy to be REALLY interested. That leaves only you who REALLY cares. From now on, I have to downplay the Eli situation. I'll pretend I don't really care, that it doesn't matter. Of course, I'm bound to mess up & tell all to Francine. But then I'll silently remind myself she doesn't care squat about me. Or about my problems. Francine's great aside from being violent (I receive a swat or more from her when I insult her, or she'll be really steamed & chase me across the playground 'till she catches me & jerks me around), pushy, rude, too straightforward, greedy, & self-centered. (Like me). What's there to like? She's funny, and admits she's fat & lazy.
So, now you know why I feel like I'm leading a double life. No one would guess that Vanessa Waltz would be this troubled. And neither can I!
Sincerely,
Vanessa
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
January 7, 1998
Dear Di,
I want to scream. I want to throw something, hurt somebody, for all the pain Eli Klein is causing me. Even though it's over.
What do I mean by over? As in: Coming to terms with reality. As in: Face facts. He'll never like me. I'm not pretty or funny or fun to be around. And I'm not outgoing either. If he liked me, I would have known long ago. (Or maybe not). It's just not going to happen.
No one knows how I feel. Not even Francine, and I tell her everything. Except this. I'm hurting just too much. Oh, sure. On schoolgrounds, I'm happy enough. I put up a cheerful front and paste on a smile. But beneath my exterior, "a sword has pierced my heart," or so to speak.
I mean, who would ever dream that Vanessa Waltz, sunny, silly, strange Vanessa Waltz, has any problems bigger than her next test? And if she HAS a crush, it doesn't mean anything, right? Whoever thought that I, who will verbally bash every guy within two miles, could be SERIOUS about one? Gasp!
I swear, Di, if I wasn't too young, I would seriously consider myself in love. But who ever heard of a 13-yr. old in love? Not me, that's for sure!!
On Eli: I can't deny that I'm nutso about him. But now it's a sad kind of nutso, a no-matter-how-much-I-want-him-to-like-me-it'll-never-happen nutso. Let's face it: Who'd like a girl who'd rather pay attention in school and get homework done than sit & socialize like other more normal, prettier, popular girls? But at least I don't center a conversation on purple and orange nail polish or bell bottoms & other "must-haves." So let's see...we've got a girl who gets straight A's since 5th grade, likes school, would rather pay attention, likes to sit up front, has a huge pimple on her chin, OK fashion sense, etc. The list goes on and on. You get the picture. Basically, Di, we're dealing w/ a very boring person here. I mean, my idea of fun is reading a book, going to a bookstore/ library, and here's a good one: Visiting the Humane Society! Just to play with all the lonely puppies, dogs, kitties, and cats. How's that for original?!
Who'd WANT to like me? I'm probably not a very likable person, obviously. So I pity the few, if any, boys who lust after me.
Nancy Heinkel has already sunk her claws into him. (E.K.). I heard her today confiding to Isabelle Norris (she gave me you, remember?) and Ursula Canton. Ursula had just broken her leg, & Nancy was saying something about how if Eli broke his leg she'd try to get the guts to sign it. I was only close enough to hear some of it.
Hold on, Eli. (I wonder if she knows I like him?) Don't succumb to her evil charms. Just wait 'till I work up the guts to tell you I like you. (Which will be never). I'm not even brave enough to talk to him about anything except tell him what pg. we're on in English or to lend him a pen when he needed it. But I can't even do that! We changed seats so now I'm not by him anymore. What does it matter? We never said anything to each other anyway. I bet he's sorry we moved. Who will have a spare pen? Paper? I can see it now: Someone mentions my name and immediately his thoughts are of paper and pen.
Sincerely,
Vanessa
I want to scream. I want to throw something, hurt somebody, for all the pain Eli Klein is causing me. Even though it's over.
What do I mean by over? As in: Coming to terms with reality. As in: Face facts. He'll never like me. I'm not pretty or funny or fun to be around. And I'm not outgoing either. If he liked me, I would have known long ago. (Or maybe not). It's just not going to happen.
No one knows how I feel. Not even Francine, and I tell her everything. Except this. I'm hurting just too much. Oh, sure. On schoolgrounds, I'm happy enough. I put up a cheerful front and paste on a smile. But beneath my exterior, "a sword has pierced my heart," or so to speak.
I mean, who would ever dream that Vanessa Waltz, sunny, silly, strange Vanessa Waltz, has any problems bigger than her next test? And if she HAS a crush, it doesn't mean anything, right? Whoever thought that I, who will verbally bash every guy within two miles, could be SERIOUS about one? Gasp!
I swear, Di, if I wasn't too young, I would seriously consider myself in love. But who ever heard of a 13-yr. old in love? Not me, that's for sure!!
On Eli: I can't deny that I'm nutso about him. But now it's a sad kind of nutso, a no-matter-how-much-I-want-him-to-like-me-it'll-never-happen nutso. Let's face it: Who'd like a girl who'd rather pay attention in school and get homework done than sit & socialize like other more normal, prettier, popular girls? But at least I don't center a conversation on purple and orange nail polish or bell bottoms & other "must-haves." So let's see...we've got a girl who gets straight A's since 5th grade, likes school, would rather pay attention, likes to sit up front, has a huge pimple on her chin, OK fashion sense, etc. The list goes on and on. You get the picture. Basically, Di, we're dealing w/ a very boring person here. I mean, my idea of fun is reading a book, going to a bookstore/ library, and here's a good one: Visiting the Humane Society! Just to play with all the lonely puppies, dogs, kitties, and cats. How's that for original?!
Who'd WANT to like me? I'm probably not a very likable person, obviously. So I pity the few, if any, boys who lust after me.
Nancy Heinkel has already sunk her claws into him. (E.K.). I heard her today confiding to Isabelle Norris (she gave me you, remember?) and Ursula Canton. Ursula had just broken her leg, & Nancy was saying something about how if Eli broke his leg she'd try to get the guts to sign it. I was only close enough to hear some of it.
Hold on, Eli. (I wonder if she knows I like him?) Don't succumb to her evil charms. Just wait 'till I work up the guts to tell you I like you. (Which will be never). I'm not even brave enough to talk to him about anything except tell him what pg. we're on in English or to lend him a pen when he needed it. But I can't even do that! We changed seats so now I'm not by him anymore. What does it matter? We never said anything to each other anyway. I bet he's sorry we moved. Who will have a spare pen? Paper? I can see it now: Someone mentions my name and immediately his thoughts are of paper and pen.
Sincerely,
Vanessa
Sunday, October 4, 2009
January 4, 1998
Dear Di,
I haven't written for awhile, but it's hard to find news that will interest you. Or me, for that matter! I mean, nothing earth shattering has happened. I'm not mad or feeling frustrating. Therefore, there's nothing to write!
Mental note: Every entry in here should have a point. Let's see if they do!
Sincerely,
Vanessa
I haven't written for awhile, but it's hard to find news that will interest you. Or me, for that matter! I mean, nothing earth shattering has happened. I'm not mad or feeling frustrating. Therefore, there's nothing to write!
Mental note: Every entry in here should have a point. Let's see if they do!
Sincerely,
Vanessa
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