March 29, 1998

Friends are way better than boys.

-Vanessa

March 27, 1998

Dear Di,

You know what is very weird? Every time I move in English/ Math (Eli's classes with me) if I had not moved or he had not moved, we'd be right next to each other. In English, if I had stayed where I was, second desk, farthest from the door, I would have been in back of him because he now sits in the first desk farthest from the door. And today in math, I sat in the 1st of 2 desks against the wall. We moved, though, but if I remained where I was, Gorgeous would be sitting across from me.

I sit closer to Fran though, at least. I'd rather sit by her than you-know-who because at least we can talk. The ideal arrangement for me would have been if I sat by both E & F but you can't always get what you want.

March 21, 1998

Dear Di--

Sometimes I think it would be better not to love.

Tess & I slept over at Francine's last night, and amidst our laughing, giggling, complaints, and chatter, Tess said,

"U[...]. K. really likes you, Vanessa."

"Kinda lets ya know where ya said," Francine said, and the three of us laughed, because U.K., in Fran's opinion, is kind of a nerd, whereas Tess & I thought he was sort of cool.

I've had my heart trampled on too many times by Eli. The hurt is always fresh in my mind, the wounds renewed when he ignores me or (mockingly, possibly) insults me.

But I love him (as much as a teenager can) too much to let him go. I know I said there would be no talk of Eli & me, but if U.K. can like me, then why not Eli? (Even if U.K. IS a womanizer, like Tess says).

Where there is pain, there is joy, too. Feelings can be as wonderful as painful. Someday I'll get kissed by a really wonderful boy and I'll know that love is worth all the bittersweet pain.

Vanessa

March 18

Di--

It is over. I swear it is. Kaput. There will never be talk in here of E.K. & me again. I now have the evidence that he & Lena are in 7th grade love.

Lana's b.d. was yesterday. Wait, two days ago. Mona Petersen, Lena, Isabelle Norris, Babe Smithson, Ursula Canton, & Unity Abbott signed a card for her. I know all the people who signed it because Lana showed me on the bus.

I studied the card. "I didn't know you were friends with Ursula, Unity, and Lena," I remarked casually.

"Oh, I'm not, really. We just talk to each other at recess."

"Mmm..." [N]od of head.

"I mean, I never have them over or anything."

Gonna skip around now. I forgot all of what we said.

"But out of all of them, Unity and I are the closest of friends. She's gonna come over after dance in the summer and jump on the tramp w/ me." (Tramp stands for trampoline).

Now, I know we said something in between, but I forget. I DO remember the rest of our conversation from here, though.

"...Didn't you know? She's (Lena) going out with Eli."

I played dumb. "Well, I mean, I KNOW, sort of..." KNOW? I practically made it my LIFE to know what happened between them.

"She has 'I Love Eli' all over her notebook."

Oh. My. Lord.

"He gave her a stuffed animal for Valentine's Day..."

Him...her...

"...and they hugged. Didn't you see them?..."

Eli just ripped my heart out...

"Mona ran up to me and cried, 'Their first hug!'"

...and stomped on it.

I managed to laugh. "Their first hug? Sounds kinda funny."

Don't remember anything else, don't want to.

His arms

around her.

Her arms

around him.

Who wants the first piece of wedding cake?

I'm numb. I was such a fool to think he was interested in me. That ANY guy would be interested in me.

I should have known. I'm the ugliest female specimen on the planet. I was so, so crazy.

WHY? WHY? That question burns in my mind. WHY doesn't any guy like me? I wouldn't mind. I'd relish the thought of being a goddess in some guy's eyes. This perfect creature.

Wake up, Vanessa. The alarm's buzzing.

Me

March 15, 1998

Di--

Just checkin' in. I am gonna feel so stupid tomorrow getting my tests back. Chin up, Vanessa. Tomorrow's a new day.

Me

March 12

Di--

I'm so stupid! I'm crying in rage. No, this does not concern Eli. (Gasp!)

We took four big tests today. One was in math. Lately, I haven't felt very confident in my mathematical abilities. Well, my low self-esteem just reached rock bottom. I had trouble in a subtraction problem getting the answer and lower number to equal the highest number. I remembered the no's. and wanted to check them out on the calculator with the faint hope [that] I got the problem right. I can't contain myself anymore...

Great. I just burst into tears again. You probably think I'm making a big deal out of nothing. BUT I USED TO ACE MY TESTS. I GOT 100 %. A plus. And now look at me. I'm a wreck. I can't do anything right. I probably missed a million others.

I'm stupid. I'm just as dumb as everyone else. Hear me, you crazy, idiotic Diary??

I belong in all the dumb classes. I can't be a writer... probably, but no one had the guts to extinguish my dreams. I'm nothing. Nobody. I might as well be dead.

Stupid & Dumb,
Vanessa

March 11, 1998

Eli is not "mine." He never was & never will be. I have not and never will face reality, I guess. Eli does not & never will like me. I was a fool to think he might. From now on, it's Eli & Lena. They were together w/ their friends talking at recess in a little circle. And Mona Petersen was talking about them in art... about how close they live to each other, etc. (Sorry if my handwriting's sloppy. I don't really feel like writing).

V.

March 10, 1998

Dear wonderful, sweet Di--

He's back! He's back! My true love is back! Thank you, thank you!

Today in church, I was positive he wasn't here. So, keeping an eye on Father Tom, I absently skimmed over Mr. Overman's class, sitting ahead of us, all the while thinking of Eli & how he was probably in bed, watching TV. And then... I saw... that familiar head of beautiful hair.

"Ohmigod! It's him!" I screamed over & over to myself. But I had to "check." So I scooted over until I got a flash of his blue Adidas jacket. Yes!

I wanted to laugh. Could you believe it? I was more excited about him being here than Keith, his b.f.!

When we went to dump our lunch trays, Eli & Keith, who were right behind us, dumped theirs, too, and Eli craned his neck and asked, "Is that a fortune cookie in there?", looking at the food bin. (We were having Chinese, sort of).

I scooted around him to set my tray, and couldn't help it. I had to look at him, if briefly...

Yawn. It's 10:30. Tired. Gotta go.

(He's back, he's back, he's back... oh yeah!)

Vanessa

March 9, 1998

I'm just a LITTLE ticked off. I had a doctor's appointment and asked Mom to pick me up because Eli rides in a car, too, and maybe he would walk behind me or something.

Guess what? He wasn't at school today. He was SICK. Practically the one day out of the whole school year Mom picks me up and he isn't here! And I kinda wanted to redeem myself because at the beginning of the school year, when Mom picked me up and E.K. was THERE, she was late in coming, and I had to stand stupidly there like a lost soul while everyone else got into the cars their moms picked them up in on TIME.

Yet in a way, I'm glad he wasn't here. My hair, which I let down from its halfsies for once, got all tousled from the wind and looked terrible. Plus, I wasn't thinking right in math and said the sq. root of 100 was 50. So I saved myself from some humiliation.

Poor baby! I felt really bad for Eli, probably feverishing and throwing up everything he eats. (He probably thinks he's lucky, missing school).

He was on my mind even more than usual. I wish I were his girlfriend. Then I could go to his house and comfort him... feed him warm chicken noodle soup...

Vanessa

March 6, 1998

I think friends are an essential part of everyone's life, but especially when you're in junior high. Friends make or break you.

Until 5th grade, I didn't have any friends. I wasn't a snob, I was just extremely shy and didn't have the courage to hang around anybody. I was pretty friendly, though, I guess. When the girls needed someone to play Spud with, shy Vanessa, who had no friends, and would be GLAD, undoubtedly[,] to play, always accepted the invitation. And before we got clique-y here in the 7th grade, and before she became immensely popular, Kayleigh Quick invited me over to her house in 2nd grade. I bet if I ever brought THAT up, Kayleigh would deny it profusely (!)

Then, in 5th grade, I got chummy with Lana Carroll and Belle Oberst. We were best friends, but tense ones. Lana was always whispering because she knew I hated it. To me, it seemed she was trying to hog Belle, who always ended up stuck in the middle of two bickering friends.

I finally got tired of being the odd one out, and pressed the issue of "best friends" enough to cause a huge explosion. OK, a huge fight.

Seeing as how tight the three of us were, this news rocked the 5th grade world, and girls who were slowly gaining image and becoming popular... tried to make amends, in vain, might I add.

I spent more lonely days on the playground, while Belle, who sided with Lana, went around with her nose in the air. (Lana's nose was past the air).

Now, it may sound as though I am placing all the blame on them, as all humans are bound to do. But you must believe me. I started the fight, yes, but being on pins & needles, we would have fought eventually, given our situations. I just moved up the starting date. In short, I swear I did nothing really WRONG.

It was Babe Smithson who I really have to thank. If it weren't for her, I'd probably be moping around this very minute.

It was at recess, and I was scuffling around, feeling sorry for myself near where Babe, Ivy Nelson (she doesn't go here anymore), Francine, and Tess were playing.

"Vanessa," Babe called, "want to come over here and play?"

Did I ever! I leaped at the invitation, and gradually became a friend. I, at times, called them, frequently ate with them, et cetera. In short, I was having a grand old time.

More and more often, L & B would hang around us, watching as we Cracked the Whip. They finally got up the guts to ask to play. And so, eventually, they too became a part of my routine.

Eventually, though we did not become "friends," by mutual agreement, we accepted one another.

To make a LONG story short (skip a few parts here, delete something there...) here I am with Tess and Francine.

As I was saying, make or break. You NEED friends in junior high to be somewhat accepted, somewhat cool. With my two friends, I am accepted, if not The Queen of Coolness. Friends show that you are liked, that you're someone. I feel proud when Fran comes over to talk to me in math, or when I'm in the middle of them in Mass. It kinda displays that you're REALLY well liked, ya know? Geez, here I go repeating myself. Must be 'cause I'm tired. It's 10:30 on the dot. Glad it's Friday!

Night-night,
Sleepyhead

March 3, 1998

Dear wonderful Di,

Yes! Eli & I actually had a conversation! (Sort of).

Let me start at the beginning. We had gotten our math tests back and I was pretty steamed at him. He had beaten me by one lousy point! And everyone thinks I’m the smartest person in math. I got 40 out of 44[;] he got 41/44, which, I console myself with, 3 other people got as well.

Anyway, Mr. Kelly was going over the test, and we were on problem 9, which everyone was complaining they didn’t get. “Believe it or not, some people in here DO get this,” Mr. K. said lightly.

“Yeah, like Vanessa!”…

Upon hearing that, Eli turned in my direction and said, “Over here”/ “He’s right”/ “She’s right.” (I can’t believe I forgot!) Something like that, though.

Mr. Kelly had us do our redos, and Eli called to me (THIS I remember), “Vanessa, what’d you get for number 2?”

“Ida know. I got it wrong,” I called back. I felt so bad!

A little while later, I could not figure out the answer for (you got it!) number 9. I asked everyone around me if they had form B. Noah Hart did, but he got no. 9 wrong. So there was only one nearby choice: The Guy I’d Shave My Head For—Eli!

But I had to debate. After all, I was going to talk to the guy who’d win People’s Choice Award… 1-900, no sweat!...

“I can’t, I can’t I can’t!” one side of me thought desperately. But a stronger part of me said, “C’mon, talk to him! You can do it!”

So I sucked up my few measly ounces of courage and said, “Eli… Eli.”

He turned to look at me. “Yeah?”

“Do you have form B?”

His eyes went back and forth and he opened his mouth. “Yeah…” he said slowly, in kinda a DUH! tone.

“What’d you get for number 9?”

“Point 445.”

“Thanks.”

“My God, I did it!” I remember thinking. I was so triumphant and delirious with pride I’m surprised I didn’t pass out. I was floating on cloud 9 (what a coincidence!) the rest of the morning.

Another interesting thing happened concerning ANOTHER boy. (Don’t worry, Di, I’m still “loyal” to Eli).

Today at recess, somehow it came up, Tess said something about how someone thought I walked weird, but was fast. I was indignant. “I do too walk in a straight line,” I said, but started to laugh. “OK. I KNOW I can’t walk in a straight line. Tell me who it is. I may be steamed, but being weak & puny, I can’t beat them up.”

“No,” Tess agreed, “but I can.”

“Tell me,” Fran begged. “I won’t tell her.”

“Thanks,” I thought irritably.

We walked past Eli and his friends. “We’re approaching idiot territory,” I remarked nonchalantly.

My heart beat faster as we saw them. “Oh, God, Oh, God,” I thought. “What is he thinking?” And then, remembering that he IS a boy, “Is he thinking?”

Now that we were at our spot, I reminded Tess, “I’m going to keep badgering you until you tell me.”

“He has 17 letters in his name, including his middle.”

Silently, I began to tick off the impossible: E-L-I K-L-E-IN-

“Don’t worry,” Francine said in my ear, “it’s not Eli.”

Dang.

“Here’s a hint,” she continued. “GOL, Francine.”

Only one boy, actually one person[,] would & COULD say “Gol” like that. “Urban!” I whispered furiously.

Urban Tompkins rides Tess & Francine’s bus. He lives near Tess, & he, she, and the local neighborhood boys play street hockey regularly. He’s cute, funny, an awesome hockey player, and I had a BIG crush on him last year. It wasn’t as intense as Eli, but he made me laugh so much, how could I NOT like him?

My mind raced like tires squealing--fast!

I began to laugh, put my hands on my hips, said, “I can too walk in a straight line,” and proceeded to stumble through the snow.

Vanessa

February 23, 1998

Dear Di,

I am almost CHOKING from laughter, or at least I was. I've kind of calmed down now.

See, on the bus ride home, Lana Carroll's cousin (Lana is in my class and we have a pretty good relationship) was telling L and me about a sleepover she attended. The girls were asked who they wished they could be stuck on a desert island with, what personal item they would bring, what piece of clothing, and finally, what food?

Here are my answers. (You'll see why I didn't volunteer any info. when she asked me).

Person: Eli Klein (duh)

Clothing: Bikini

Pet (in my case): Bianca, my dog

Food: Brownies

Can you believe th[at] second... item? I mean, I can't believe I actually thought [it] up. Actually, when [I was] asked the questions, I didn't mean to think up those answers. I couldn't help it. They just popped into my brain. I didn't even TRY to think that. Without warning, though, I did.

That's the scream. Who would believe Vanessa Waltz, sweet, innocent, little Vanessa, would come up with such sick, disgusting, dirty answers? I'm surprised I didn't burst out laughing then & there!

But this is kind of sad, in its own way. I've been deprived of what I want... (Eli) that my mind has become twisted, and gone are my dreams of innocent first kisses. Now, I don't want anything less than "the real deal." I don't care to explain that.

It sickens me to what I've been reduced to... That's how desperate I've become. Sometimes I fear I'm obsessed with the poor boy... At least I'm not crying over him. (Yet).

I love you, Eli!! Why don't you love me back?

Frustrated,
Vanessa

February 21, 1998

Dear Di,

This is the perfect time to write. My parents and sister all went out to Caribou Coffee, leaving me here because I was sleeping.

We got our pictures today. I look-- OK, I guess. But just imagine the different reactions Eli and I will have when we see each other's pictures in the yearbook. (He's not in my class).

Eli will probably crack up when seeing me and say to Keith, "God, is Vanessa ugly or what?"

The exact opposite with me. A pool of drool will be forming at my feet even if I just GLANCE at his picture. That's just how much he likely hates me, and I with certainty love him. That's all, I guess.

Vanessa

February 18, 1998

Dear Di,

You know that one line in that song that goes, "I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried" & "I can't see anyone but you"? Well, that's true in my case. I'm SO attached to Eli that I really CAN'T see or imagine myself liking anyone else. I'm so... attached to him. My day rules or stinks depending if HE talked to me, looked at me, etc. I hate that! I hate how you base your day on how and if a certain boy talked to you.

Another point: Some of my entries are so trivial! I go on & on about Eli and PROVE no point. But when I wrote my "What's in a diary?" entry, my "boy conclusion," and a few others, I felt I was truly writing worthwhile stuff, something people might want to read. It serves a point, and comes from an adolescent girl's heart, from the depths of her SOUL, what she thinks, feels, etc. Why do I mention adolescence? In the introduction of "The Diary of Anne Frank," Eleanor Roosevelt says, among other things, "...and the young are not afraid of telling the truth..."

We young AREN'T. (Afraid of telling the truth, that is). We're NOT afraid of expressing our opinions on certain issues to an extent, standing up for ourselves, and all that jazz. (I just love that saying. Don't you?)

The thing is, Di, that last paragraph isn't ME. I thought before I wrote. Why should I do that?[,] you ask. It's a DIARY. No one will read this!!

But that's just it! I guess.... I guess I have this vision of, once I'm an established and famous writer, my diary becoming as famous as Anne Frank's. That's why I word this so carefully, at times. Everyone liked A.F.'s diary because it was thoughtful and well-written. Mine isn't. That's why I THINK before I write. I want this diary to be something worth reading, something people can (sort of) relate to. I DON'T want them to think the truth-- Ick! This girl is so self-centered and shallow. She spends PAGES talking about how cute a boy named Eli Klein is and how HOPELESS her chances are with him. Nothing in this book is worth reading. She can't write, the words are garbled and make no sense. Why did I even start this stupid diary? It's the worst book I've read in my-- yrs. It's pointless, vain, and all-around awful. The author is petty and illiterate.

Look at this, Di! I'm a master at criticizing my own personal diary. And every word is true.

Anne Frank is a role model for us, and rather than try to follow in her footsteps, we're paces behind!

Vanessa Lynn (Waltz)

February 17, 1998

Dear Di,

Just about to hit the sack. Thought I'd jot down something quick. I'm invited to Lola Di Marca's birthday party. She's really popular, so I bet there'll be boys AND girls. They'll probably do Spin-the-Bottle, Seven Min. in Heaven, etc. Yikes! How do I tell her I absolutely don't want to go? What if E.K.'s there? He probably will be. I'm such a wuss. Help me!

Terrifyingly Yours,
Vanessa Waltz

P.S.-- More soon, if I can bear to write about it.

('Night, Eli. Remember-- Vanessa Klein).

February 15, 1998

Dear Di,

Ahh... Leonardo DiCaprio. You are THE epitome of loveliness.

Yes, Di, I am back on my Leonardo DiCaprio craze. I saw him on "Titanic" (again) and in the words of a pretty, popular classmate, "Leo's lookin' good!"

He is SO cute, Di, that I struggle not to take the first plane out to wherever he is, throw myself at his feet, and cry, "Be mine!"

But how could he like me? He doesn't have the slightest clue as to who I am, and has already been "linked," as the magazines say, to models. Of course! They're paper-thin, have flawless skin, are beautiful when they wake up, and are already somewhat famous.

I WILL control my urges. He's a FAMOUS actor and already has hordes of screaming girls chasing him everywhere. I won't let myself stoop to their low level of infatuation. OR go crushing on someone I'll never meet. I won't pin my hopes on someone who will NEVER return my love. Sorry, Di, but I prefer my crushes to be a little more realistic, somebody I can actually TALK to instead of someone I only see in the movie theater.

That's why I don't worry about my 'DiCaprio Dilemma.' I've got enough of a head on my shoulders to know that "it'll never happen." Let me always keep that in mind.

Realistically Yours,
Vanessa

February 12, 1998

Dear Di,

Eli really is beginning to pass. When the "Titanic" song played, I didn't feel the intense passion I once did. Today, when making a fool of myself playing football against the popular girls with Tess and Francine, I didn't think of how stupid I might look in his eyes. For the first time, I was having FUN.

So now that the "Eli" flame has passed, who's next? you ask. But it's not that simple. Eli was the first boy to prompt so many emotions within me, the first to cause me pain and heartache. I know, Di, you're thinking, "How can a 13-year old be experiencing heartache?" But I really did, Di. I don't care if you think it's stupid.

I dressed as I thought Eli might like me. He once said my Statue of Liberty earrings were cool, so I wore them numerous times. Basically, everything I did involved him.

Now I am wiser. I'll wear what I want, and not for a cute guy. Like I said, I'm me, and try as I might, I can't change that.

In short, Eli was my first serious crush, and I'll always have a special part of my heart dedicated to him. He certainly deserves it!

I'll never forget you, Eli Klein! That's a promise!

Vanessa

February 11, 1998

Dear Di,

I have reached a (temporary) conclusion on what to do about E.K.-- ignore him! Yes, Di, as in (try to) block him out completely.

You're probably baffled, so I will explain my "theory."

So what? So what if I like some cute guy? That doesn't have to interfere with my normal life. I should go ahead and be myself, as the adage goes. I am smitten with a boy. It's a common, everyday occurrence. And in being myself, the boy just might like what he sees-- a girl being herself. It's not my problem if he doesn't. I'm me, and I can't change that. I'm not going to be somebody I'm not to impress a guy who happens to be blessed with good looks. (This goes for all guys, not just my current "love"). There are plenty of fish in the sea. (Another adage). And if the one on the hook that I use wriggles and he doesn't suit my tastebuds, I'll just throw him back and try again.

Vanessa

P.S.-- I hope all my entries can be this eye-opening!

February 10, 1998

"What's in a name?" Shakespeare once asked. That quote became one of the most famous in the world. Now I ask a similar question-- what's in a diary, MY diary, to be exact? Of course, I KNOW what's in it, but I think you'll understand once I get going.

Here is what I think my diary reveals: the thoughts of an adolescent girl trying to find her identity as a player in this constantly changing world. How does she fit in? What role has God chosen for her to fulfill?

I think you, Di, reflect every (almost) girl's diary: a swirl of confusing emotions, the battle to fit in, and yes, even our crushes all are somewhat alike: a person we are trying to pin affection on in vain and who often does not respond favorably.

That is why some good soul invented diaries: a private place to vent our changing feelings as we grow and mature.

I'm not trying to win the Most Thoughtful Entry, Di. I firmly believe that I am correct: I am one of the millions of girls across the WORLD who frequently pour out their souls in the pages provided. We are all different, but with one thing in common: a diary is closer to us than our best friend.

Vanessa

Restaurants to which I have taken my mother in the last year

Keys-- numerous times for pancakes
Old Mexico-- numerous times for chips
Macaroni Grill-- numerous times for bread

The Broiler-- once for pancakes
The Tea Garden-- twice for bubble tea
The Uptowner-- once for pancakes

Restaurants to which I have recently taken my mother in October 2009

Old Spaghetti Factory
Perkins

Events to which I have been or will be going November 2009

November 6th, Friday evening: Park Square Theatre, "Othello"
November 7th, Saturday evening: Ballet Minnesota, Fall Dance Concert 2009
November 8th, Sunday afternoon: Frederic Chopin Society, Joyce Yang

February 7, 1998

Dear Di,

I just... cannot believe it. It's so weird. I love it! You obviously don't have a clue as to what's going on, do you, Di? Well, let me explain myself.

[The "Titanic" song] just came on a few minutes ago. At the beginning of the song, I usually picture Eli & me just entering onto the deck at sunset, by ourselves. He helps me climb up on the rail, where Rose and Jack had THEIR kiss(es).

But I couldn't, during the song, picture WHO it was kissing me, WHO was holding my hand... same as Rose and Jack. WHO knocked me down on the playground... when in all the other times I knew it was him. Eli, I thought slowly, hazily. Eli... who? In that same, slow, dizzying manner, I remembered. Eli... Klein.

Why should this matter? you ask. The wonderful answer: he is consuming less of my thoughts, slowly but surely. It's been happening a lot lately. I was walking home yesterday when it hit me: Eli. I had not thought of him this whole bus ride. I did not think of him last night, nor this morning until "the song" came on. In fact, when I "remember" to think of him, it takes awhile to think of WHY. Lately, when I see him on the playground, I don't even think of how cute he is. Nothing even comes to MIND when looking at him anymore. It's so wonderful! Slowly, I am getting over him. My broken heart is becoming mended, etc. And if this keeps up, he should be completely gone from my thoughts by at least summer, probably (much) sooner!

Happy, cheerful, and dancing with joy,
Vanessa :)

February 5, 1998

Dear Di,

The "Titanic" song just finished playing. I swear, Di, I just FREEZE when that song comes on. I'm just powerless to move. The song is just so moving. When the song plays, without meaning to, these visions of Eli (who else?) and me dance in my head.

I've done a lot of thinking and come to realize what I didn't want to think: Eli and Lena. But this isn't an entry where I vent angry feelings toward him. This is an entry where I COMMEND her.

You heard me, right, Di? After all, it's not her fault that she took a chance, risked humiliation, and now is happy. In fact, though my heart is heavy with sorrow, I applaud her brave efforts and don't mind admitting I envy her. Maybe she and Eli ARE meant to be. I mean, I only lusted after him because he was cute. But maybe Lena finds something in him that I was unable to, something pleasing in that cocky manner and mischievous, daring ways. And if she does, then, God, please make them stay together and make each other happy. If there's anything our world can never get enough of, it's true happiness and love.

I hate being so wise!

Vanessa

February 1, 1998

Dear Di,

"I write as I write," "I eat as I eat," I often say. But today I am going to broach a different subject which I call: "I am as I am."

I've always wanted to change my personality. Nearly every morning since this year, I've woken up and thought, "This is it. Today I'm going to change-- REALLY change. I'm going to be a great sister, daughter, and friend."

But that never quite happens. I end up being rude to my sister, lazy and sarcastic to my parents, and uncaring to my friends. So what if they act the same towards me? I still want to change.

I remember a conversation I was having on the phone with Francine. I was being uncharacteristically "silent," because Fran kept asking me, "Why are you being so quiet?," since I'm usually a chatterbox.

See, I WANTED to be quiet, to understand and find out if my friends would like and respect me better when I wasn't talking a mile a minute. In fact, she (Fran) just acted bewildered that I wasn't up to par. (In chatting skills).

I guess people just, after a period of time, come to expect certain things from certain people, after seeing their true colors, as Anne Frank puts it.

An example is that I'm in the lower math & English class, yet maintain straight A's in those classes.

This is because I pay attention and manage to understand math & English. A direct result is that I can pull of A+'s sometimes on the tests. The others in these lower classes regard me as "smart." So naturally, they were shocked when I got a C on my English test.

Also, I haven't gotten any lates for a long time. Next time I get a late, I'll be sure to turn on the news. I'll be the cover story!

Time to start marking some points. What if I DIDN'T make straight A's and got lates? What if it was the other way around? What if I worshiped C's? What if I got the occasional A? People might not believe me. That is deadly scary. No one would think me capable of the work I am used to doing? I shudder to think of the inevitable.

But that's just it! I want to change, but I can't. That's another thing! It's always, "I can't," never "I can."

And I DO want to change that! I want with all my heart to be the caring sister, helpful daughter, and reliable friend. I also don't want to be such a wimp. I'm afraid of roller coasters! I'm afraid to try new things, read stories other than "fluff books."

I get so frustrated with myself! There are all these things I want, long, NEED to be. But the fear of being someone else, of changing, almost as if being a better person, is stopping me.

You know what's weird? Just being ONE of those things (take being a better sister) could make me a better daughter and friend. By forcing myself to be cordial and polite to Amanda, I'll be more respectful towards Francine and Tess, and not so sarcastic to Mom and Dad.

What a revelation! It's almost scary that I've become so "wise."

It doesn't mean I'll stay that way, though. Most likely, tomorrow will go the same as usual: slap Amanda in the hallway, shoot off my mouth at Mom, sarcastically comment on something to my friends, give rude answers to the obnoxious guys in English, yell (and drool) at Eli when he & Keith decide to hit snow at me, etc.

Don't you see, Di? The problem isn't everyone else, it's ME! I'm the reason I've got so many problems. I create them!

That's why everyone's so turned off by my personality. It's so awful. I'm mean, short-tempered, and down right rude.

That's why I have to change. I have to be something I'm not-- kind, patient, polite, a good listener, loyal, etc. Everything that someone finds good in someone I've gotta be.

In my YM magazine, guys said they went for a pretty, intelligent, witty, and caring girl. Now while I can't do much about that first part, I can certainly improve on the other three. And maybe, I'll end up being a good girlfriend as well.

But I'm not on this crusade to impress Eli. I'm doing this to, as I have said, become a better person. May God wish me well on my journey!

Vanessa

January 29, 1998

Dear Di,

This is going to be a long entry. I've got so many feelings and thoughts I have to express to you.

I'll begin with the Eli-Lena situation. I haven't seen any affection between them, but what if they hide it? I know I'm torturing myself and should stop, but.. what if they've KISSED? I can just picture Eli's gorgeous lips pressed against Lena's.

Stop it, Vanessa! Hurting yourself isn't going to make this better. So they've... kissed. (That hurt). But what if they haven't? Oh, please God, don't have them kiss. Don't even let them hold HANDS. Keep them as far away from each other as possible.

I know I sound awful, Di, but you must understand. I've lusted after Eli since the 6TH GRADE. That's a year and a half. Too long, in my opinion. I'd let go, but I can't.

I don't get it. I haven't felt this way about anybody before. And I don't know if I like it or not. Why can't I pure and simple forget him?

Lena doesn't know how lucky she is. Or maybe she does. Maybe it's ME who needs to wake up and smell the coffee. This could be God's way of telling me that Eli wasn't, and never will be, mine.

If it IS true, then... I don't want to examine the possibilities.

I think about what I wrote that one late night about Francine and Karl and I am horrified. How could I think that? Yet there was a grain of truth in that entry. I was just saying that because I was so disgusted with myself over Eli and that nothing had yet happened.

Lately, I've been thinking more and more about the auditorium (gym) and the gym doors. Those are the two places where I could have taken a chance and said yes.

But what I don't think you understand, Di, is that when the guys ask us out, they're almost NEVER serious with Francine, Tess, and me.

We've learned from the other unpopular girls that to say "yes" is a fatal mistake, and we would be laughed off the face of the earth. So we say "no."

But-- I wonder-- (and don't you DARE laugh, Di) are some of the boys SERIOUS? Was ELI SERIOUS? (About the time in the gym?)

Of course not, you scoff, but you don't know something. And to tell it to you, I'll quote my old diary.

"Francine really liked my marker cap. She wanted it, too. So I made an agreement with her: play with it and pretty much keep it, but she had to give it to me. After nearly two yrs. of friendship, though, I'm just beginning to realize she doesn't always follow through. Basically-- Francine WOULD NOT GIVE IT BACK!

I finally cornered her in math class and ask[ed] that she please give it back.

Eli, who sits behind Francine and across from me (yippee!), started to understand the situation and try to grab it from her.

As we were doing that, I wondered, 'Is he by any chance doing this to and helping me as to win my approval?' I hoped so.

My hopes got higher each day as he continually asked if I had gotten my 'sucky thing' back.

And all I thought was, 'He remembered; he cared!'

Even though I eventually got it back, he continues to talk to me. When Francine grabbed my pencil pouch, Eli took hers. He pulls Francine's hair when me sees me laughing. I can SEE him staring at me out of the corner of my eye. He calls Francine dumb and me smart. And, I found out, when I mentioned it, he loves glazed donuts just like me!

Today, when we [were] heading in from the playground, he cried, 'Help! Keith's attacking me!' and grabbed my shoulders..."

(Oct. 24), '97

He could I have been so blind? He may have liked me then, but certainly not now! That explains "the gym scene." It was while I still sat by him. I don't know about you, Di, but during that time, I was in heaven!

Gotta go.
Vanessa

Eli + Vanessa= true love!

January 28, 1998

Dear Di,

Eli & Lena? Eli & LENA? ELI & LENA? How can this be?

Newsflash: The love of my life and Lena Lenin are GOING OUT. Well, you can imagine how I reacted. I was near tears on the bus ride home. Only the presence of others around me kept me from breaking down and sobbing. As it was, I struggled to regain my composure.

How did this whole mess start, Di? Well, I'll "begin at the beginning."

As it so often does, the subject of Eli cropped up in our (Tess, Francine, & my) conversation. Francine can't stand the guy; I drool when I see him; and Tess just laughs at our recounts of him.

Today the subject was: "Eli and flirting."

"He's a flirter," Tess observed with the wisdom of only someone who could be a tomboy. "No offense, Vanessa," she added, shooting, a semi-sympathetic look in my direction. "But he is. He flirts with EVERYBODY. He even flirted with Vanessa."

I was so shocked I could barely choke out a sarcastic "Thanks." Flirting! Was that all our conversations ever amounted to? And here I thought he ENJOYED our short, brief talks. (Taking them seriously), might I add.

"See, look how he flirts with them." (Nancy, Unity, LENA). "It's disgusting," she added, laughing a little.

At the time, I was praying Eli wouldn't "succumb to her evil charms," as I put it a few entries back. I didn't know it was LENA I should be nervous about. I mean, Eli had been spending an awful lot of time over there on "their" side of the playground. Meanwhile, I had been trying to ignore the obvious. (Without success). But today I was shoved into reality. And it's all Mona Petersen's fault.

It was before the "good paper" assembly. I was going to talk to Tess who sits across from me. SHE was talking to M.P.

"...so cute." I caught the last of their conversations. (Mona's gabbing, actually).

"Who's cute?" I asked, dreading the words "Eli and Nancy."

Instead I heard "Eli and Lena." Actually ELI and Lena. "They're so cute," she babbled, "trying to talk to each other on the playground." She added before this, "They're going out."

You're probably confused, so I'll repeat the whole thing in order.

"Eli and Lena. They're going out. They're so cute trying to talk to each other on the playground."

If mouths had unlimited vertical use, mine would have hit the bottom school floor. Luckily, it didn't. I was able to muster my courage and walk away as if I heard stuff like this all the time. In truth, tears were prickling my eyelids.

He picked mousy Lena over me? Well! That's all I can manage to write. B-but, b-, b-but, I'm BETTER than Lena. So I'm "smart," I guess. But only compared to people in the lower class. Still, I DO pay attention in class, and Lena does a relative amount of time. But she probably doesn't pay attention ALL the time, and hates school, and gets OK grades. So he probably likes her 'cause of that. Plus, she's semi-pretty & popular. (More so than me!) And most important-- she said YES!

It's so ironic, Di, that I happened to think of him trying to ask me out, last year[,] and yes doesn't come to mind. This year, too. I COULD'VE said yes, I know. But how did I know it was for real? How did LENA know? How did she manage to avoid junior high humiliation?

The answer makes me sick and miserable: Because HE LIKED HER and WANTED to go out with her. (Unlike me). It was all just a joke. I'm nobody special. Lena's got my man, that's all there is to it.

Francine said Eli is a people person. "That's why he's got Keith bound to his leg," she said. "He's sociable. He NEEDS attention."

I laughingly agreed; he needed KEITH's help to ask me out!

Francine said that's what this is, that Eli just wants attention, and he's getting it from his dating Lena.

But I have said other thoughts. I bet they like each other. Lena always wanted to sit by him, etc. And Eli... well, I don't know about him. (I never do!) There are times when I just wanted to scream at him. But I don't have the strength. If Lena's the one he wants, what's to stop him? I bet they're a match made in heaven. But... I just can't help wishing that I, not Lena Lenin, were on Eli's list of high priorities.

Vanessa

P.S.-- Eli and Lena; Lena Klein; Mr. and Mrs. Lena Klein; L.K. Yuck! Those all sound horrible! More soon.

January 27, 1998

Dear Di,

De-dum, de-dum, de-dum. More on my "horrible" entry. I haven't covered my feelings about Francine. Of course, I want her to be happy. And I know it sounds funny, but her "love life" seems to be going better than mine. She told me today that Karl was doing some honest-to-goodness-staring at her. I'm happy for her, but how come Eli never stares at ME? The answer is as obvious as the question: he doesn't like me. DUH, VANESSA. Get a clue! (A lot, for that matter). HE DOES NOT LIKE YOU. HE WILL PROBABLY NEVER LIKE YOU. GET OVER IT!

OK, OK. I'm not over it, but I'm trying. Let's review the facts.

#1 Eli is a CUTE guy.
#2 Eli is also semi-popular.
#3 Guys like him do not go for losers like me.

End of story.

I've got to stop thinking like this. True, Eli is a semi-popular hunk, and probably does not like me. But that doesn't mean I can['t] like me for me anyway.

Heck, last year on the first few days of school, I didn't give a thought to E. until he (tried to) ask me out.

Oh, did I forget to mention that? It was one of the first days of school, maybe the first. End of the day. I was heading for the gym. In fact, I was passing INTO it when I heard a familiar voice call my name.

"Vanessa!"

I turned. There was Keith, and beside him this guy I didn't even know. I remembered he was new, and in my class.

"Um." He stuttered. He looked down at the floor, grinning. Keith pushed him forward, grinning too.

He (Eli) looked up, I think. He met my eyes. "Kinda cute," I thought.

The bell rang. Well, I had a bus to catch, and I was not about to be delayed by a guy I didn't even know. (And who hadn't gotten his point across). So I turned... and walked into the gym.

I know what you're "thinking," Di. How rude! It could have been the start of something special. And I just HAD to be an idiot & walk out. But you can't exactly blame me. I DID have a bus to catch.

The end[.]
Vanessa

January 26, 1998

Dear Di,

When I think what I wrote in that last entry, I can hardly believe it. My head must not be on straight. Sure, Karl is cute, VERY CUTE, and nicer than Eli, but he just doesn't have "that effect" on me. My heart doesn't speed up and tap-dance when I see him, like it does with Eli. And I swear, it DOES take effort to take my eyes off him. (E.K).

I guess I've described Karl as a slimeball, greaseball, etc. to Francine that I actually am believing it. He's just a stupid, moronic guy who happens to be blessed with good looks.

That has me thinking. I mean, guys are cute just by chance. It's not like they have a chance or choice. Eli's dad must have been a major hunk. How else could the guy I swoon over be so drool-worthy? His mom's OK-looking. She's nice, too.

Let me rephrase myself: Eli's dad must [be] (or still is) the most arrogant, self- centered, gorgeous jerk on the planet. It's the only way he could be so cute and such a jerk.

On to something else. In my letters, I use to bare my soul to Francine. Did she (to me?) I remember early this year how Francine was so infatuated with K.I. and would yack my ear off about "how cute he is." At that time, I was really bored. I couldn't understand how someone could base a whole conversation on a guy!

This was my reasoning: They're cute. But they're GUYS! Doesn't that say it all?

When we are the most "in love," I think, is when we are at our most innocent and vulnerable. This is when we spill our secrets in earnest, don't care if they're personal. They've been pent up so long (or short, in Francine's case) that we're bursting. (I'm talking about when we first develop a crush). It doesn't matter if someone isn't listening. All that matters is our feelings, and that we can finally share them with someone, no matter how uninterested they are.

Always & Forever,
Vanessa

January 24, 1998

I'm nearing the end of "The Diary of Anne Frank." I read it numerous times-- it's one of my favorite books.

Anne & I are so different! Especially in the way of topics. To quote her [:] "I'm too wrapped up in myself" to talk about food rations, how the Secret Annex is set out, how Mr. Kugler's stomach is constantly bleeding, etc.

And yet, if I were to be in hiding as she was, I might talk of such things, too. At the very least, I wouldn't be thinking about me, me, me. Oh yes, & Eli.

I can feel the anger rushing back to yesterday, Friday, on the playground. Being boys, Eli & his equally brainless best friend, Keith Kopp, had to go and stir up trouble by hitting snow at us w/ their hockey sticks.

When I think about what Eli said, I guess he had some right. I mean, there I was, standing stupidly, unable to tear my eyes away while Francine & Tess were getting them back by kicking snow and throwing it at them.

And then he said it. "Get Vanessa, she's the weak one," he said to Keith. "Thanks," I said sarcastically.

A little while later, still seething, Francine called me Stickgirl. (For some odd, forgotten, unknown reason).

Of course, Eli had to weasel his way into the conversation & call me something. (Forgot that, too). "Don't call her that," Francine exclaimed. "Call her Stickgirl." (By the way, they call me that because, according to them, I'm "a stick with bones & flesh." Francine again). "OK. Stickgirl," Eli said.

I wanted to wring their little necks. They're so cruel, mean-spirited, sarcastic, etc. They're just perfect for each other. As fate would have it, they hate each other's guts. I secretly think Francine likes him, but won't admit it. (To me or herself, if she hasn't already).

As for Karl Isaacson, her current "lover," she thinks we're a match made in heaven. We've both got dark hair, are smart, slow to absorb things, have the same amount of letters in our last names, etc. The list goes on and on.

Sometimes I wish I could have a crush on him, just to make Francine mad or jealous. And I do, sort of. But she wouldn't get mad. She probably wouldn't even care.

DO I like Karl? Sure, he's cute. OK. Very cute. OK. Super cute. He doesn't compare to Eli (in cuteness), but he's got a much better personality. Francine thinks he's scum. See, at the beginning of the yr., she was REALLY infatuated with him. Enough to send him a letter telling him she "sort of" liked him. (Just to be on the safe side). Anyhow, we agree (F & I) that Karl's friends were by his desk when he got the letter. And the next thing anyone knew, Uri Irving & Noah Hart were asking Fran if she wanted to go out with him. "Maybe. I'll have to think about it," she replied. Inside, we both knew she was literally DYING to say yes.

So where does all that bring us back, Di? Oh, yes, to him himself.

When I talk or write to Francine, he comes off from me as a scumbag, a greaseball, when deep down inside, here, where I can be confident no one will see this, I think he's really funny, sweet, if a little impatient. But aren't we all?

I've let on to Francine that I think he's cute. But she'll (hopefully) never know HOW cute. Because we're talking complete, utter gorgeousness. And it's so endearing to see him stutter. I won't deny I've let my eyes wander to where he's sitting quite a few times. Oh, Francine would hopefully be so infuriated if she knew!

Am I mean person? Looking over this last sentence, I seem the epitome of cold and uncaring to want to see one of my best (maybe) friends more miserable than she already is over him.

"What is it I want?" I ask myself. Do I really like Karl as much as I think I do, or am I just pretending to like him because my "relationship" with Eli is going nowhere? Or do I really "like" him?

The terrible truth is, I WANT to see Francine unhappy. But why? What is there to gain from her being more depressed than she already is? WHY do I want her moping around? And perhaps most pressing of all-- WHY?

I really am a horrible person. I always thought of me as not as nice as I could be, but at least OK. I haven't felt so venomous toward her. There is nothing she has that I want. (Except a dog and a family that's not kooky like mine).

Everything is happening so fast. My feelings for Eli, Francine, Karl, even me. YOU, at least, are stable. I'll never hate you, or fall head-over-heels in "love" with you, or be uncertain about my feelings.

No, you are and always will be the same. I can trust you not to leak things I want hidden, or to hurl snow at me. You will always be waiting patiently for me to sort out my jumbled thoughts.

I thank you, with all my heart. And I know that with you here, I'll get through the mess. Somehow.

P.S. I really don't feel like ending these all with "Sincerely" or "Yours," like Anne. So from how on, I'll end with whatever I feel like. And no more '98. It's really stupid!

Truly,
Vanessa

January 22, 1998

Dear Di,

I got my hair "trimmed" today and my bangs cut. I didn't know an inch was so much!

At any rate, I like my cut-- and new glasses. Not to brag, but I think I look really good. I bet E.K. won't even notice! Either that[,] or he'll think I look worse than before. In my dreams he'll think I look great. (Or sexy).

Report cards today.

Religion: A (was A+)
English: A (was A-) Yay!
Math: A+ (stayed the same)
Soc. Stud., Science: A & A (same)
Spelling: A (was A+)

My gosh, I'm putting REPORT CARD GRADES IN HERE. To quote Francine, my life really IS pathetic.

I'm not trying to be a bore. It's just that what I write about (my feelings for Eli) have stayed the same. (Madly in love).

Much as I want to tell you interesting stuff, like news & what happened at school, I can't. Right now my primary focus is on you-know-who. And I can't talk, write, or think about anything else except the-relationship-that-never-was.

Sincerely,
Vanessa

Things to which I am looking forward in winter 2009

The Guthrie’s A Christmas Carol seen 2006, 2008 (2009)

Macy’s 8th floor show 2006 (2009)
Macy’s Oak Grill Room 2006, 2008 (2009)
Nicollet Mall Barnes and Noble w/ Starbucks 2006 (2009)

Period rooms at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts (2009)

St Paul Hotel “It’s a Wonderful Life Tea” 2007, 2008 (2009)

January 14, 1998

Dear Di,

I can't concentrate. I hate him! I hate him! (Eli, of course). JUST when I thought I was down to the like stage, he had to throw little pieces of paper at me 3 times during math. That doesn't prove anything. It doesn't say he likes me. It just... I can't really describe it. It made me so MAD!! The first time, he was grinning at me in his make-your-heart-melt grin I fall for every time.

"It was Abby," he said, pointing to her. "Yeah, right," I said, forcing myself to peel my eyes away from those beautiful ones.

The next time, he had the nerve to grab a marker and look like he was scribbling. The jerk! The stupid, idiotic, hunky, drop-dead, droolworthy jerk! I don't even remember the third time because I didn't look up when the paper landed in my lap.

No guy, I repeat, has ever caused me this much heartache. I've never liked a guy this long, or felt this way about one before. And I hate it!

What I wouldn't give to be a tomboy!

Sincerely,
Vanessa

January 8, 1998

Dear Di,

I feel as though I'm leading a double life. At school, and in my letters to Francine, I come across as a girl who's pining for you-know- who. I almost can't believe how I poured out my heart and soul to FRANCINE!! She cares about my problems as much as she cares for liver. It doesn't matter to her that I'm hurt and confused. She's in her own little world that has only herself, Karl Isaacson, and donuts. Of course, this was all before I had YOU. So I can't really tell her the truth-- it'd go in one ear and out the other. And Tess-- she's too much of a tomboy to be REALLY interested. That leaves only you who REALLY cares. From now on, I have to downplay the Eli situation. I'll pretend I don't really care, that it doesn't matter. Of course, I'm bound to mess up & tell all to Francine. But then I'll silently remind myself she doesn't care squat about me. Or about my problems. Francine's great aside from being violent (I receive a swat or more from her when I insult her, or she'll be really steamed & chase me across the playground 'till she catches me & jerks me around), pushy, rude, too straightforward, greedy, & self-centered. (Like me). What's there to like? She's funny, and admits she's fat & lazy.

So, now you know why I feel like I'm leading a double life. No one would guess that Vanessa Waltz would be this troubled. And neither can I!

Sincerely,
Vanessa

January 7, 1998

Dear Di,

I want to scream. I want to throw something, hurt somebody, for all the pain Eli Klein is causing me. Even though it's over.

What do I mean by over? As in: Coming to terms with reality. As in: Face facts. He'll never like me. I'm not pretty or funny or fun to be around. And I'm not outgoing either. If he liked me, I would have known long ago. (Or maybe not). It's just not going to happen.

No one knows how I feel. Not even Francine, and I tell her everything. Except this. I'm hurting just too much. Oh, sure. On schoolgrounds, I'm happy enough. I put up a cheerful front and paste on a smile. But beneath my exterior, "a sword has pierced my heart," or so to speak.

I mean, who would ever dream that Vanessa Waltz, sunny, silly, strange Vanessa Waltz, has any problems bigger than her next test? And if she HAS a crush, it doesn't mean anything, right? Whoever thought that I, who will verbally bash every guy within two miles, could be SERIOUS about one? Gasp!

I swear, Di, if I wasn't too young, I would seriously consider myself in love. But who ever heard of a 13-yr. old in love? Not me, that's for sure!!

On Eli: I can't deny that I'm nutso about him. But now it's a sad kind of nutso, a no-matter-how-much-I-want-him-to-like-me-it'll-never-happen nutso. Let's face it: Who'd like a girl who'd rather pay attention in school and get homework done than sit & socialize like other more normal, prettier, popular girls? But at least I don't center a conversation on purple and orange nail polish or bell bottoms & other "must-haves." So let's see...we've got a girl who gets straight A's since 5th grade, likes school, would rather pay attention, likes to sit up front, has a huge pimple on her chin, OK fashion sense, etc. The list goes on and on. You get the picture. Basically, Di, we're dealing w/ a very boring person here. I mean, my idea of fun is reading a book, going to a bookstore/ library, and here's a good one: Visiting the Humane Society! Just to play with all the lonely puppies, dogs, kitties, and cats. How's that for original?!

Who'd WANT to like me? I'm probably not a very likable person, obviously. So I pity the few, if any, boys who lust after me.

Nancy Heinkel has already sunk her claws into him. (E.K.). I heard her today confiding to Isabelle Norris (she gave me you, remember?) and Ursula Canton. Ursula had just broken her leg, & Nancy was saying something about how if Eli broke his leg she'd try to get the guts to sign it. I was only close enough to hear some of it.

Hold on, Eli. (I wonder if she knows I like him?) Don't succumb to her evil charms. Just wait 'till I work up the guts to tell you I like you. (Which will be never). I'm not even brave enough to talk to him about anything except tell him what pg. we're on in English or to lend him a pen when he needed it. But I can't even do that! We changed seats so now I'm not by him anymore. What does it matter? We never said anything to each other anyway. I bet he's sorry we moved. Who will have a spare pen? Paper? I can see it now: Someone mentions my name and immediately his thoughts are of paper and pen.

Sincerely,
Vanessa

January 4, 1998

Dear Di,

I haven't written for awhile, but it's hard to find news that will interest you. Or me, for that matter! I mean, nothing earth shattering has happened. I'm not mad or feeling frustrating. Therefore, there's nothing to write!

Mental note: Every entry in here should have a point. Let's see if they do!

Sincerely,
Vanessa

December 31, 1997

Dear Di,

I'll have to make this quick. This'll be my last entry in you for '97, and I won't be able to write 'till tomorrow because I'm sleeping over at Francine's.

A few resolutions:

1. Try to be a better friend.

2. Try to be a better person.

3. Have a story accepted by Dec. 31, 1998.

4. Talk about something other than boys.

5. Be less boy-crazy (Eli-crazy).

6. Say at least two words to Eli out of my own free will every month.

7. Spend less time on homework.

I don't know if I can achieve all these goals, but I'll certainly try! P.S.-- From now on, all my entries will begin w/ "Dear Di" and end w/ "Sincerely, Vanessa." Also, I'll mark the year on each page, so you & I won't be confused.

Sincerely,
Vanessa

December 29, 1997

Dear Di,

It happened. No, Eli did not call me. It's actually something I'm ashamed of. Nothing major like a murder, but still...

Okay. You know how I told you about Titanic? Well, I didn't tell you who was in it: Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. The latter (Leo) was supposedly this really hunky guy girls went gaga over. I thought this was really stupid. Why have a crush on someone unattainable? But after 1/2 an hour of the movie, I got this sinking feeling in my stomach. I knew what I swore would not happen was: I was falling into a deep, deep crush on America's hottest guy. I'm so infuriated. But I can't help it- he's so CUTE! It's not really my fault. If I knew Eli liked me, L. DC would be the furthest thing from my mind. But my mind's been wandering, and it's wandered straight to his face. Great!! Now I'm just like about every other girl on the continent. Only I'm not to that obsession level yet. It seems I'm rapidly approaching, though. My only hope is I'll come to my quickly declining senses and realize someone like him, who's reached "that level" of success, has absolutely no interest in a lowlife like me. Either that or Eli falls head over heels in love w/ me and simply can't hide his feelings. Looking them over, it seems possibility no. 1 will happen much more quickly than no. 2, although I'm already infatuated. And it seems I'll get a date with Leo sooner than Eli, the way my love life is progressing!

Yours truly,
Vanessa

Updated Caribou Coffee Fall Drinks/Combinations which I have now not had

Wild Caramel Apple (sample or no sample)

Cinnamon Bundt Cake

Updated Caribou Coffee Fall Drinks/Combinations which I have now had

Small Wild Pumpkin

Large Wild Pumpkin Cooler ($1 off coupon!)
Pumpkin Pecan Bread (to match)

Wild Caramel Apple Cooler (sample)

Maple Oatmeal Scone

Coffee Drinks/ Combinations which I will have had between Monday, September 28th and Monday, October 5th, 2009

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28TH: 16 oz. cold press white chocolate coffee ($2, caribou)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29TH: 12 oz. coffee (FREE w/ coupon, dunn bros.)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1ST: 20 oz. nonfat large wild pumpkin ($1 off w/ coupon, caribou)

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 3RD: 12 oz. nonfat hot chocolate ($1.87 plus tax, dunn bros.)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 4TH: 12 oz. nonfat pumpkin spice latte (3.25+ tax, starbucks)

Films which I have seen in the Mann Highland theatre in 2009

Doubt
--with my father
--on a Sunday
--in spring 2009
--starring Amy Adams
--starring Meryl Streep

Julie and Julia
--with a cherie
--on a Sunday
--in fall 2009
--starring Amy Adams
--starring Meryl Streep

December 28, 1997

Dear Di(ary),

Sorry I haven't written for awhile, but there's nothing new to report. I sound like a newspaper writer. It's same old, same old, as Daddy would say. I'm still mad about Eli. Nothing new there!

Adios,

Vanessa

December 23, 1997

Nothing much to report until now. My grandma is staying over, so she gets our bathroom. This means Amanda and I have to use Mom & Dad's bathroom. The point I am trying to make is: On the way back from my bedroom from brushing my teeth, I HAPPENED to spot Amanda's journal. And being the nosy person I am, I HAD to see if it contained any "boy gossip." Fat chance of any boy-talk in an 8-year old's journal! That is how I found out I am getting a book and ANOTHER diary. Honestly! I mean, I just started you! WHY in the world would I of all people need another diary? It makes me feel as if I have to hurry and finish you so I can start yet another diary. It is all very frustrating to me.

'Night,
Vanessa

December 20, 1997

FFFD-- Fun, Friend-Filled Day. First, we, meaning Tess and I, went to Francine's sister's basketball game. They lost. Bummer. Then we went back to Tess' house, where she taught Francine and me hockey after a trip to the frozen lake. And finally, as a big ending to our big day, Tess took Francine and me to see Titanic as a Christmas present.

Words cannot describe the movie. It was, without a doubt, one of, if not the best, movies I have EVER seen. It was tragedy and fierce undying love between two people all at once. The movie was, in short, spectacular. I could never be as devoted to a guy as Rose was to Jack.

Any guys in particular? you ask. Weeell, there is one. And we are now on to the "personal matters" I promised you yesterday. I have a BIG crush on Eli Klein, a guy who goes to my school. He's in 7th grade, same as me. Eli is cute and funny. He sorta liked me last year and a little this year, I could tell. But I think he has his gorgeous eyes set on Nancy Heinkel, and vice versa. She (N.H). get straights A's (like me), but is also into and good at figure skating. (Not me). And while not exactly bratty, she IS snobby, and is nice to me on rare occasions. Well, on the way back from our field trip to the Nutcracker, E.K. was doing some PRETTY HEAVY flirting w/ her, or as far as I could tell. You know, writing notes to her, trying to take stuff from her, that sort of thing. So what if I don't stand a chance against her or anybody else? So what if he doesn't like me? I can still dream, can't I?

Sincerely,
Vanessa

Things which I have now done this autumn and to which I usually look forward

9/19: Barnes and Noble/ Barnes and Noble Cafe/ Marshall's (Har Mar)
--wanted to order tall Caramel Apple Spice from Cafe (and did so)
--wanted to order slice of Pumpkin Cheesecake from Cafe (but did not do so)
--wanted to look at children's autumn and Halloween books (and did so)
--wanted to look at Clifford's First Halloween (and did so)

9/19: Barnes and Noble/ Starbucks Cafe/ Half Priced Books (Highland Park)
--wanted to order tall Pumpkin Space Latte from Starbucks (but did not do so)
--wanted to look at books on twentieth century art (but did not do so)
--wanted to look at children's autumn and Halloween books (and did so, again)
--wanted to look at National Geographic Issue on New York (and did so)
--wanted to look at National Geographic Issue on 50 Places (and did so)

9/21: Borders/ Borders Cafe/ Film(s)/
--will be ordering Borders Cafe Smores Mocha half-price!
--will then have had Borders Cafe Smores Mocha half-price AND
--will then have had Borders Cafe Cookie Crunch half-price

Things which I have now done this autumn to which I was looking forward

September 13th: Ramsey Hill House Association Tour
--saw stop B: carriage house: 358 Laurel Avenue
--saw stop G: example of English gardens (twice)
--saw stop T: James J. Hill House
--saw stop U: Cathedral of St. Paul (with tour!)

--saw Common Good Books and admired sayings on walls (not part of tour)
--saw Nina's Cafe and almost ordered a cappuchino/treat (not part of tour)

December 19, 1997

Dear Diary,

Hi, and welcome to Vanessa Waltz's boring and predictable life. I'll update myself on how I got you in case in years to come I want to read this and know. Our 7th grade class had Advent Angels, and as my final gift, Isabelle Norris gave you to me, along with 1 of the 2 pens I am using. (And some tic-tacs). OK. Time for me to snap out of this formal introduction stuff. One more thing: I'm going to call you Di. Not after the princess, but as a shortened version of Diary. I know I'm going to put stuff in here way too personal for a journal. Such as... you would probably be asking if you could talk. The answer: You'll see tomorrow, or whenever I have time to write in you.

Sincerely,
Vanessa

Things which I have not yet done this autumn and to which I usually look forward

Barnes and Noble/ Barnes and Noble Cafe/ Marshall's (Har Mar)
Barnes and Noble/ Starbucks Cafe/ Half Priced Books (Highland Park)
Borders/ Borders Cafe/ Film(s)/

Evening walk with self down Summit Avenue
Evening walk with self down Summit Avenue clutching coffee

Food items totaling twenty dollars which I have purchased between Sunday, September 13th and Wednesday, September 16th

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13TH AT STARBUCKS
--tall nonfat pumpkin spice latte: $3.25
--tall nonfat pumpkin spice latte with pumpkin bread: $5.60

--grande nonfat iced mocha with receipt: $2

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15TH AT THE TEA GARDEN
--large matcha green tea latte with full pearls: $4.10

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16TH AT DUNN BROS.
--12 oz. nonfat chocolate steamer in mug: $3.05
--tall coffee with room for milk: $1.50

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16TH AT DAIRY QUEEN:
--small cookie jar blizzard: $3.76

$5.60+2= $7.60
$7.60+4.10= $11.70
$11.70=3.05= $14.75
$14.75+1.50= $16.25
$16.25+3.76= $20.01

Caribou Coffee Drinks/ Combinations which I have had the week of September 6th-11th

CARIBOU COFFEE DRINKS

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 6TH: tall skim wet cappuchino (Mom paid)

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8TH: tall americano (I paid)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9TH: one-size kids' cocoa with cookie crumbles (Dad paid)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 10TH: one-size kids' cocoa with cookie crumbles (Dad had paid)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11TH: large wild pumpkin cooler ($1 off!: I paid)

CARIBOU COFFEE COMBINATIONS

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8TH: blackberry white chocolate scone (I paid)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9TH: multigrain bagel (Dad paid)

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11TH: pumpkin pecan bread (I paid)

Caribou Coffee Drinks/Combinations which I have now had in fall 2009

Large Wild Pumpkin Cooler ($1 off coupon!)
Pumpkin Pecan Bread (to match)

Starbucks Coffee Drinks/ Combinations which I have now had in August 2009

STARBUCKS COFFEE

TUESDAY, AUGUST 4TH: one-size strawberry banana vivanno smoothie

TUESDAY, AUGUST 11TH: one-size chocolate banana vivanno smoothie

MONDAY, AUGUST 17TH: one tall nonfat vanilla latte

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18TH: one tall nonfat caffe mocha with light whip

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19TH: one tall nonfat vanilla latte

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20TH: one tall nonfat caffe mocha with light whip

FRIDAY, AUGUST 21ST: one tall nonfat latte with one pump of hazelnut

SUNDAY, AUGUST 23RD: one tall nonfat latte, red. fat blueberry coffee cake

SUNDAY, AUGUST 30th: one tall nonfat latte, red. fat cinnamon coffee cake

Dunn Brothers Coffee Drinks/ Combinations which I have now had between August and September 2009

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 12TH: 16 oz. iced coffee with milk

SATURDAY, AUGUST 22ND: 16 oz. coffee iced crema (half off!), three cake donuts for $1

SATURDAY, AUGUST 29TH: 16 oz. coffee iced crema (half off!), one lemon marvel, one bran cream cheese muffin, one chocolate chip scone

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 5TH: three cake donuts for $1

Caribou Coffee Drinks to which I am now looking forward in fall 2009

Caribou Coffee Wild Pumpkin
Caribou Coffee Wild Apple (for a limited time only)

Caribou Coffee Wild Pumpkin Cooler
Caribou Coffee Wild Apple Cooler (for a limited time only)

Things to which I am looking forward in autumn 2009

Ramsey Hill House Tour on September 13th
--Cathedral of St. Paul
--The James J Hill House

Chopin Society Concert on October 4th
--BEETHOVEN: Sonata in A-flat Major, Op. 110
--CHOPIN: Polonaise-Fantaisie, Op. 61
--MENDELSSOHN: Variations serieuses in D minor, Op. 54
--SCHUMANN: Humoreske, Op. 20

Chopin Society Concert on November 8th
--BRAHMS: 4 Klavierstücke, Op. 119
--DEBUSSY: Estampes
--LIEBERMANN: Gargoyles, Op. 29
--SCHUMANN: Carnaval, Op. 9

Caribou Coffee Pumpkin Pie Latte
--with Caribou Coffee pumpkin bread
--with the Star Tribune on any day
--with journaling
--wearing a scarf tied the French way
--studying the Brontes

Starbucks Coffee Pumpkin Spice Latte
--with four shots of white chocolate, as recommended by a barista
--with Starbucks pumpkin bread and/or muffin
--with the New York Times Style Section on a Thursday or a Sunday
--with journaling
--wearing a scarf tied the French way

Fall walks with--
--with hand attached firmly to Levi's jean pockets

Fall walks with self
--with coffee attached firmly to hand

The September Issue of Vogue

Television shows which I watched with much frequency from 1994-2004

The Baby-sitters Club
Brotherly Love
Flash Forward
The Little Mermaid
In a Heartbeat
My Brother and Me
Sabrina the Teenage Witch (TGIF!)
Step by Step
Teen Angel
The Torkelsons

Television shows which I watch with much frequency

Boy Meets World: seasons four, six, and seven, or, all episodes centering on Cory and Topanga

Felicity: seasons one, three, and four

My So-Called Life: season one (and only)

The Wonder Years: seasons one, three, and seven, or, all episodes centering on Kevin and Winnie

Television shows which I have been watching with much frequency between spring and summer 2009

Blossom seasons one and two
Brotherly Love seasons one and two
Everwood season one
Party of Five seasons one and two

Films which I am looking forward to seeing in the theatre in autumn/ winter 2009

Amelia: due out 10/23
The Bell Jar: due out 12/2008 originally
Coco avant Chanel: due out 9/25
New Moon: due out 11/20
The Princess and the Frog: due out 12/11
The September Issue: due out 8/28

Films which I have seen in the theatre in summer 2009

500 Days of Summer: seen 8/23
Julie and Julia: seen 8/26
Postgrad: seen 8/26
The Time Traveler’s Wife: seen 8/23

Films which I was looking forward to seeing in the theatre in summer 2009

Cheri: due out 6/26
Easy Virtue: due out 5/22
Herb and Dorothy: due out 6/5
Yoo Hoo, Mrs. Goldenberg: due out 7/10

Films I have seen in the theatre between spring 2008 and spring 2009

17 Again
The Boy in the Striped Pajamas
Confessions of a Shopaholic
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button—twice
Doubt—twice
Earth
He’s Just Not That Into You
Inkheart
Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day
Penelope
The Reader
Revolutionary Road
Slumdog Millionaire—twice
Wall-E
Twilight
Up

Films I have rented from the library with much frequency since 2006

The Italian Job
Mona Lisa Smile
The Namesake
The Painted Veil
Sliding Doors
Stardust
Starting Out in the Evening