January 28, 1998

Dear Di,

Eli & Lena? Eli & LENA? ELI & LENA? How can this be?

Newsflash: The love of my life and Lena Lenin are GOING OUT. Well, you can imagine how I reacted. I was near tears on the bus ride home. Only the presence of others around me kept me from breaking down and sobbing. As it was, I struggled to regain my composure.

How did this whole mess start, Di? Well, I'll "begin at the beginning."

As it so often does, the subject of Eli cropped up in our (Tess, Francine, & my) conversation. Francine can't stand the guy; I drool when I see him; and Tess just laughs at our recounts of him.

Today the subject was: "Eli and flirting."

"He's a flirter," Tess observed with the wisdom of only someone who could be a tomboy. "No offense, Vanessa," she added, shooting, a semi-sympathetic look in my direction. "But he is. He flirts with EVERYBODY. He even flirted with Vanessa."

I was so shocked I could barely choke out a sarcastic "Thanks." Flirting! Was that all our conversations ever amounted to? And here I thought he ENJOYED our short, brief talks. (Taking them seriously), might I add.

"See, look how he flirts with them." (Nancy, Unity, LENA). "It's disgusting," she added, laughing a little.

At the time, I was praying Eli wouldn't "succumb to her evil charms," as I put it a few entries back. I didn't know it was LENA I should be nervous about. I mean, Eli had been spending an awful lot of time over there on "their" side of the playground. Meanwhile, I had been trying to ignore the obvious. (Without success). But today I was shoved into reality. And it's all Mona Petersen's fault.

It was before the "good paper" assembly. I was going to talk to Tess who sits across from me. SHE was talking to M.P.

"...so cute." I caught the last of their conversations. (Mona's gabbing, actually).

"Who's cute?" I asked, dreading the words "Eli and Nancy."

Instead I heard "Eli and Lena." Actually ELI and Lena. "They're so cute," she babbled, "trying to talk to each other on the playground." She added before this, "They're going out."

You're probably confused, so I'll repeat the whole thing in order.

"Eli and Lena. They're going out. They're so cute trying to talk to each other on the playground."

If mouths had unlimited vertical use, mine would have hit the bottom school floor. Luckily, it didn't. I was able to muster my courage and walk away as if I heard stuff like this all the time. In truth, tears were prickling my eyelids.

He picked mousy Lena over me? Well! That's all I can manage to write. B-but, b-, b-but, I'm BETTER than Lena. So I'm "smart," I guess. But only compared to people in the lower class. Still, I DO pay attention in class, and Lena does a relative amount of time. But she probably doesn't pay attention ALL the time, and hates school, and gets OK grades. So he probably likes her 'cause of that. Plus, she's semi-pretty & popular. (More so than me!) And most important-- she said YES!

It's so ironic, Di, that I happened to think of him trying to ask me out, last year[,] and yes doesn't come to mind. This year, too. I COULD'VE said yes, I know. But how did I know it was for real? How did LENA know? How did she manage to avoid junior high humiliation?

The answer makes me sick and miserable: Because HE LIKED HER and WANTED to go out with her. (Unlike me). It was all just a joke. I'm nobody special. Lena's got my man, that's all there is to it.

Francine said Eli is a people person. "That's why he's got Keith bound to his leg," she said. "He's sociable. He NEEDS attention."

I laughingly agreed; he needed KEITH's help to ask me out!

Francine said that's what this is, that Eli just wants attention, and he's getting it from his dating Lena.

But I have said other thoughts. I bet they like each other. Lena always wanted to sit by him, etc. And Eli... well, I don't know about him. (I never do!) There are times when I just wanted to scream at him. But I don't have the strength. If Lena's the one he wants, what's to stop him? I bet they're a match made in heaven. But... I just can't help wishing that I, not Lena Lenin, were on Eli's list of high priorities.

Vanessa

P.S.-- Eli and Lena; Lena Klein; Mr. and Mrs. Lena Klein; L.K. Yuck! Those all sound horrible! More soon.