January 29, 1998

Dear Di,

This is going to be a long entry. I've got so many feelings and thoughts I have to express to you.

I'll begin with the Eli-Lena situation. I haven't seen any affection between them, but what if they hide it? I know I'm torturing myself and should stop, but.. what if they've KISSED? I can just picture Eli's gorgeous lips pressed against Lena's.

Stop it, Vanessa! Hurting yourself isn't going to make this better. So they've... kissed. (That hurt). But what if they haven't? Oh, please God, don't have them kiss. Don't even let them hold HANDS. Keep them as far away from each other as possible.

I know I sound awful, Di, but you must understand. I've lusted after Eli since the 6TH GRADE. That's a year and a half. Too long, in my opinion. I'd let go, but I can't.

I don't get it. I haven't felt this way about anybody before. And I don't know if I like it or not. Why can't I pure and simple forget him?

Lena doesn't know how lucky she is. Or maybe she does. Maybe it's ME who needs to wake up and smell the coffee. This could be God's way of telling me that Eli wasn't, and never will be, mine.

If it IS true, then... I don't want to examine the possibilities.

I think about what I wrote that one late night about Francine and Karl and I am horrified. How could I think that? Yet there was a grain of truth in that entry. I was just saying that because I was so disgusted with myself over Eli and that nothing had yet happened.

Lately, I've been thinking more and more about the auditorium (gym) and the gym doors. Those are the two places where I could have taken a chance and said yes.

But what I don't think you understand, Di, is that when the guys ask us out, they're almost NEVER serious with Francine, Tess, and me.

We've learned from the other unpopular girls that to say "yes" is a fatal mistake, and we would be laughed off the face of the earth. So we say "no."

But-- I wonder-- (and don't you DARE laugh, Di) are some of the boys SERIOUS? Was ELI SERIOUS? (About the time in the gym?)

Of course not, you scoff, but you don't know something. And to tell it to you, I'll quote my old diary.

"Francine really liked my marker cap. She wanted it, too. So I made an agreement with her: play with it and pretty much keep it, but she had to give it to me. After nearly two yrs. of friendship, though, I'm just beginning to realize she doesn't always follow through. Basically-- Francine WOULD NOT GIVE IT BACK!

I finally cornered her in math class and ask[ed] that she please give it back.

Eli, who sits behind Francine and across from me (yippee!), started to understand the situation and try to grab it from her.

As we were doing that, I wondered, 'Is he by any chance doing this to and helping me as to win my approval?' I hoped so.

My hopes got higher each day as he continually asked if I had gotten my 'sucky thing' back.

And all I thought was, 'He remembered; he cared!'

Even though I eventually got it back, he continues to talk to me. When Francine grabbed my pencil pouch, Eli took hers. He pulls Francine's hair when me sees me laughing. I can SEE him staring at me out of the corner of my eye. He calls Francine dumb and me smart. And, I found out, when I mentioned it, he loves glazed donuts just like me!

Today, when we [were] heading in from the playground, he cried, 'Help! Keith's attacking me!' and grabbed my shoulders..."

(Oct. 24), '97

He could I have been so blind? He may have liked me then, but certainly not now! That explains "the gym scene." It was while I still sat by him. I don't know about you, Di, but during that time, I was in heaven!

Gotta go.
Vanessa

Eli + Vanessa= true love!