February 1, 1998

Dear Di,

"I write as I write," "I eat as I eat," I often say. But today I am going to broach a different subject which I call: "I am as I am."

I've always wanted to change my personality. Nearly every morning since this year, I've woken up and thought, "This is it. Today I'm going to change-- REALLY change. I'm going to be a great sister, daughter, and friend."

But that never quite happens. I end up being rude to my sister, lazy and sarcastic to my parents, and uncaring to my friends. So what if they act the same towards me? I still want to change.

I remember a conversation I was having on the phone with Francine. I was being uncharacteristically "silent," because Fran kept asking me, "Why are you being so quiet?," since I'm usually a chatterbox.

See, I WANTED to be quiet, to understand and find out if my friends would like and respect me better when I wasn't talking a mile a minute. In fact, she (Fran) just acted bewildered that I wasn't up to par. (In chatting skills).

I guess people just, after a period of time, come to expect certain things from certain people, after seeing their true colors, as Anne Frank puts it.

An example is that I'm in the lower math & English class, yet maintain straight A's in those classes.

This is because I pay attention and manage to understand math & English. A direct result is that I can pull of A+'s sometimes on the tests. The others in these lower classes regard me as "smart." So naturally, they were shocked when I got a C on my English test.

Also, I haven't gotten any lates for a long time. Next time I get a late, I'll be sure to turn on the news. I'll be the cover story!

Time to start marking some points. What if I DIDN'T make straight A's and got lates? What if it was the other way around? What if I worshiped C's? What if I got the occasional A? People might not believe me. That is deadly scary. No one would think me capable of the work I am used to doing? I shudder to think of the inevitable.

But that's just it! I want to change, but I can't. That's another thing! It's always, "I can't," never "I can."

And I DO want to change that! I want with all my heart to be the caring sister, helpful daughter, and reliable friend. I also don't want to be such a wimp. I'm afraid of roller coasters! I'm afraid to try new things, read stories other than "fluff books."

I get so frustrated with myself! There are all these things I want, long, NEED to be. But the fear of being someone else, of changing, almost as if being a better person, is stopping me.

You know what's weird? Just being ONE of those things (take being a better sister) could make me a better daughter and friend. By forcing myself to be cordial and polite to Amanda, I'll be more respectful towards Francine and Tess, and not so sarcastic to Mom and Dad.

What a revelation! It's almost scary that I've become so "wise."

It doesn't mean I'll stay that way, though. Most likely, tomorrow will go the same as usual: slap Amanda in the hallway, shoot off my mouth at Mom, sarcastically comment on something to my friends, give rude answers to the obnoxious guys in English, yell (and drool) at Eli when he & Keith decide to hit snow at me, etc.

Don't you see, Di? The problem isn't everyone else, it's ME! I'm the reason I've got so many problems. I create them!

That's why everyone's so turned off by my personality. It's so awful. I'm mean, short-tempered, and down right rude.

That's why I have to change. I have to be something I'm not-- kind, patient, polite, a good listener, loyal, etc. Everything that someone finds good in someone I've gotta be.

In my YM magazine, guys said they went for a pretty, intelligent, witty, and caring girl. Now while I can't do much about that first part, I can certainly improve on the other three. And maybe, I'll end up being a good girlfriend as well.

But I'm not on this crusade to impress Eli. I'm doing this to, as I have said, become a better person. May God wish me well on my journey!

Vanessa