February 5, 1998

Dear Di,

The "Titanic" song just finished playing. I swear, Di, I just FREEZE when that song comes on. I'm just powerless to move. The song is just so moving. When the song plays, without meaning to, these visions of Eli (who else?) and me dance in my head.

I've done a lot of thinking and come to realize what I didn't want to think: Eli and Lena. But this isn't an entry where I vent angry feelings toward him. This is an entry where I COMMEND her.

You heard me, right, Di? After all, it's not her fault that she took a chance, risked humiliation, and now is happy. In fact, though my heart is heavy with sorrow, I applaud her brave efforts and don't mind admitting I envy her. Maybe she and Eli ARE meant to be. I mean, I only lusted after him because he was cute. But maybe Lena finds something in him that I was unable to, something pleasing in that cocky manner and mischievous, daring ways. And if she does, then, God, please make them stay together and make each other happy. If there's anything our world can never get enough of, it's true happiness and love.

I hate being so wise!

Vanessa