Dear Di,
I am almost CHOKING from laughter, or at least I was. I've kind of calmed down now.
See, on the bus ride home, Lana Carroll's cousin (Lana is in my class and we have a pretty good relationship) was telling L and me about a sleepover she attended. The girls were asked who they wished they could be stuck on a desert island with, what personal item they would bring, what piece of clothing, and finally, what food?
Here are my answers. (You'll see why I didn't volunteer any info. when she asked me).
Person: Eli Klein (duh)
Clothing: Bikini
Pet (in my case): Bianca, my dog
Food: Brownies
Can you believe th[at] second... item? I mean, I can't believe I actually thought [it] up. Actually, when [I was] asked the questions, I didn't mean to think up those answers. I couldn't help it. They just popped into my brain. I didn't even TRY to think that. Without warning, though, I did.
That's the scream. Who would believe Vanessa Waltz, sweet, innocent, little Vanessa, would come up with such sick, disgusting, dirty answers? I'm surprised I didn't burst out laughing then & there!
But this is kind of sad, in its own way. I've been deprived of what I want... (Eli) that my mind has become twisted, and gone are my dreams of innocent first kisses. Now, I don't want anything less than "the real deal." I don't care to explain that.
It sickens me to what I've been reduced to... That's how desperate I've become. Sometimes I fear I'm obsessed with the poor boy... At least I'm not crying over him. (Yet).
I love you, Eli!! Why don't you love me back?
Frustrated,
Vanessa
Monday, November 23, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
February 21, 1998
Dear Di,
This is the perfect time to write. My parents and sister all went out to Caribou Coffee, leaving me here because I was sleeping.
We got our pictures today. I look-- OK, I guess. But just imagine the different reactions Eli and I will have when we see each other's pictures in the yearbook. (He's not in my class).
Eli will probably crack up when seeing me and say to Keith, "God, is Vanessa ugly or what?"
The exact opposite with me. A pool of drool will be forming at my feet even if I just GLANCE at his picture. That's just how much he likely hates me, and I with certainty love him. That's all, I guess.
Vanessa
This is the perfect time to write. My parents and sister all went out to Caribou Coffee, leaving me here because I was sleeping.
We got our pictures today. I look-- OK, I guess. But just imagine the different reactions Eli and I will have when we see each other's pictures in the yearbook. (He's not in my class).
Eli will probably crack up when seeing me and say to Keith, "God, is Vanessa ugly or what?"
The exact opposite with me. A pool of drool will be forming at my feet even if I just GLANCE at his picture. That's just how much he likely hates me, and I with certainty love him. That's all, I guess.
Vanessa
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
February 18, 1998
Dear Di,
You know that one line in that song that goes, "I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried" & "I can't see anyone but you"? Well, that's true in my case. I'm SO attached to Eli that I really CAN'T see or imagine myself liking anyone else. I'm so... attached to him. My day rules or stinks depending if HE talked to me, looked at me, etc. I hate that! I hate how you base your day on how and if a certain boy talked to you.
Another point: Some of my entries are so trivial! I go on & on about Eli and PROVE no point. But when I wrote my "What's in a diary?" entry, my "boy conclusion," and a few others, I felt I was truly writing worthwhile stuff, something people might want to read. It serves a point, and comes from an adolescent girl's heart, from the depths of her SOUL, what she thinks, feels, etc. Why do I mention adolescence? In the introduction of "The Diary of Anne Frank," Eleanor Roosevelt says, among other things, "...and the young are not afraid of telling the truth..."
We young AREN'T. (Afraid of telling the truth, that is). We're NOT afraid of expressing our opinions on certain issues to an extent, standing up for ourselves, and all that jazz. (I just love that saying. Don't you?)
The thing is, Di, that last paragraph isn't ME. I thought before I wrote. Why should I do that?[,] you ask. It's a DIARY. No one will read this!!
But that's just it! I guess.... I guess I have this vision of, once I'm an established and famous writer, my diary becoming as famous as Anne Frank's. That's why I word this so carefully, at times. Everyone liked A.F.'s diary because it was thoughtful and well-written. Mine isn't. That's why I THINK before I write. I want this diary to be something worth reading, something people can (sort of) relate to. I DON'T want them to think the truth-- Ick! This girl is so self-centered and shallow. She spends PAGES talking about how cute a boy named Eli Klein is and how HOPELESS her chances are with him. Nothing in this book is worth reading. She can't write, the words are garbled and make no sense. Why did I even start this stupid diary? It's the worst book I've read in my-- yrs. It's pointless, vain, and all-around awful. The author is petty and illiterate.
Look at this, Di! I'm a master at criticizing my own personal diary. And every word is true.
Anne Frank is a role model for us, and rather than try to follow in her footsteps, we're paces behind!
Vanessa Lynn (Waltz)
You know that one line in that song that goes, "I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried" & "I can't see anyone but you"? Well, that's true in my case. I'm SO attached to Eli that I really CAN'T see or imagine myself liking anyone else. I'm so... attached to him. My day rules or stinks depending if HE talked to me, looked at me, etc. I hate that! I hate how you base your day on how and if a certain boy talked to you.
Another point: Some of my entries are so trivial! I go on & on about Eli and PROVE no point. But when I wrote my "What's in a diary?" entry, my "boy conclusion," and a few others, I felt I was truly writing worthwhile stuff, something people might want to read. It serves a point, and comes from an adolescent girl's heart, from the depths of her SOUL, what she thinks, feels, etc. Why do I mention adolescence? In the introduction of "The Diary of Anne Frank," Eleanor Roosevelt says, among other things, "...and the young are not afraid of telling the truth..."
We young AREN'T. (Afraid of telling the truth, that is). We're NOT afraid of expressing our opinions on certain issues to an extent, standing up for ourselves, and all that jazz. (I just love that saying. Don't you?)
The thing is, Di, that last paragraph isn't ME. I thought before I wrote. Why should I do that?[,] you ask. It's a DIARY. No one will read this!!
But that's just it! I guess.... I guess I have this vision of, once I'm an established and famous writer, my diary becoming as famous as Anne Frank's. That's why I word this so carefully, at times. Everyone liked A.F.'s diary because it was thoughtful and well-written. Mine isn't. That's why I THINK before I write. I want this diary to be something worth reading, something people can (sort of) relate to. I DON'T want them to think the truth-- Ick! This girl is so self-centered and shallow. She spends PAGES talking about how cute a boy named Eli Klein is and how HOPELESS her chances are with him. Nothing in this book is worth reading. She can't write, the words are garbled and make no sense. Why did I even start this stupid diary? It's the worst book I've read in my-- yrs. It's pointless, vain, and all-around awful. The author is petty and illiterate.
Look at this, Di! I'm a master at criticizing my own personal diary. And every word is true.
Anne Frank is a role model for us, and rather than try to follow in her footsteps, we're paces behind!
Vanessa Lynn (Waltz)
Monday, November 16, 2009
February 17, 1998
Dear Di,
Just about to hit the sack. Thought I'd jot down something quick. I'm invited to Lola Di Marca's birthday party. She's really popular, so I bet there'll be boys AND girls. They'll probably do Spin-the-Bottle, Seven Min. in Heaven, etc. Yikes! How do I tell her I absolutely don't want to go? What if E.K.'s there? He probably will be. I'm such a wuss. Help me!
Terrifyingly Yours,
Vanessa Waltz
P.S.-- More soon, if I can bear to write about it.
('Night, Eli. Remember-- Vanessa Klein).
Just about to hit the sack. Thought I'd jot down something quick. I'm invited to Lola Di Marca's birthday party. She's really popular, so I bet there'll be boys AND girls. They'll probably do Spin-the-Bottle, Seven Min. in Heaven, etc. Yikes! How do I tell her I absolutely don't want to go? What if E.K.'s there? He probably will be. I'm such a wuss. Help me!
Terrifyingly Yours,
Vanessa Waltz
P.S.-- More soon, if I can bear to write about it.
('Night, Eli. Remember-- Vanessa Klein).
Sunday, November 15, 2009
February 15, 1998
Dear Di,
Ahh... Leonardo DiCaprio. You are THE epitome of loveliness.
Yes, Di, I am back on my Leonardo DiCaprio craze. I saw him on "Titanic" (again) and in the words of a pretty, popular classmate, "Leo's lookin' good!"
He is SO cute, Di, that I struggle not to take the first plane out to wherever he is, throw myself at his feet, and cry, "Be mine!"
But how could he like me? He doesn't have the slightest clue as to who I am, and has already been "linked," as the magazines say, to models. Of course! They're paper-thin, have flawless skin, are beautiful when they wake up, and are already somewhat famous.
I WILL control my urges. He's a FAMOUS actor and already has hordes of screaming girls chasing him everywhere. I won't let myself stoop to their low level of infatuation. OR go crushing on someone I'll never meet. I won't pin my hopes on someone who will NEVER return my love. Sorry, Di, but I prefer my crushes to be a little more realistic, somebody I can actually TALK to instead of someone I only see in the movie theater.
That's why I don't worry about my 'DiCaprio Dilemma.' I've got enough of a head on my shoulders to know that "it'll never happen." Let me always keep that in mind.
Realistically Yours,
Vanessa
Ahh... Leonardo DiCaprio. You are THE epitome of loveliness.
Yes, Di, I am back on my Leonardo DiCaprio craze. I saw him on "Titanic" (again) and in the words of a pretty, popular classmate, "Leo's lookin' good!"
He is SO cute, Di, that I struggle not to take the first plane out to wherever he is, throw myself at his feet, and cry, "Be mine!"
But how could he like me? He doesn't have the slightest clue as to who I am, and has already been "linked," as the magazines say, to models. Of course! They're paper-thin, have flawless skin, are beautiful when they wake up, and are already somewhat famous.
I WILL control my urges. He's a FAMOUS actor and already has hordes of screaming girls chasing him everywhere. I won't let myself stoop to their low level of infatuation. OR go crushing on someone I'll never meet. I won't pin my hopes on someone who will NEVER return my love. Sorry, Di, but I prefer my crushes to be a little more realistic, somebody I can actually TALK to instead of someone I only see in the movie theater.
That's why I don't worry about my 'DiCaprio Dilemma.' I've got enough of a head on my shoulders to know that "it'll never happen." Let me always keep that in mind.
Realistically Yours,
Vanessa
Thursday, November 12, 2009
February 12, 1998
Dear Di,
Eli really is beginning to pass. When the "Titanic" song played, I didn't feel the intense passion I once did. Today, when making a fool of myself playing football against the popular girls with Tess and Francine, I didn't think of how stupid I might look in his eyes. For the first time, I was having FUN.
So now that the "Eli" flame has passed, who's next? you ask. But it's not that simple. Eli was the first boy to prompt so many emotions within me, the first to cause me pain and heartache. I know, Di, you're thinking, "How can a 13-year old be experiencing heartache?" But I really did, Di. I don't care if you think it's stupid.
I dressed as I thought Eli might like me. He once said my Statue of Liberty earrings were cool, so I wore them numerous times. Basically, everything I did involved him.
Now I am wiser. I'll wear what I want, and not for a cute guy. Like I said, I'm me, and try as I might, I can't change that.
In short, Eli was my first serious crush, and I'll always have a special part of my heart dedicated to him. He certainly deserves it!
I'll never forget you, Eli Klein! That's a promise!
Vanessa
Eli really is beginning to pass. When the "Titanic" song played, I didn't feel the intense passion I once did. Today, when making a fool of myself playing football against the popular girls with Tess and Francine, I didn't think of how stupid I might look in his eyes. For the first time, I was having FUN.
So now that the "Eli" flame has passed, who's next? you ask. But it's not that simple. Eli was the first boy to prompt so many emotions within me, the first to cause me pain and heartache. I know, Di, you're thinking, "How can a 13-year old be experiencing heartache?" But I really did, Di. I don't care if you think it's stupid.
I dressed as I thought Eli might like me. He once said my Statue of Liberty earrings were cool, so I wore them numerous times. Basically, everything I did involved him.
Now I am wiser. I'll wear what I want, and not for a cute guy. Like I said, I'm me, and try as I might, I can't change that.
In short, Eli was my first serious crush, and I'll always have a special part of my heart dedicated to him. He certainly deserves it!
I'll never forget you, Eli Klein! That's a promise!
Vanessa
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
February 11, 1998
Dear Di,
I have reached a (temporary) conclusion on what to do about E.K.-- ignore him! Yes, Di, as in (try to) block him out completely.
You're probably baffled, so I will explain my "theory."
So what? So what if I like some cute guy? That doesn't have to interfere with my normal life. I should go ahead and be myself, as the adage goes. I am smitten with a boy. It's a common, everyday occurrence. And in being myself, the boy just might like what he sees-- a girl being herself. It's not my problem if he doesn't. I'm me, and I can't change that. I'm not going to be somebody I'm not to impress a guy who happens to be blessed with good looks. (This goes for all guys, not just my current "love"). There are plenty of fish in the sea. (Another adage). And if the one on the hook that I use wriggles and he doesn't suit my tastebuds, I'll just throw him back and try again.
Vanessa
P.S.-- I hope all my entries can be this eye-opening!
I have reached a (temporary) conclusion on what to do about E.K.-- ignore him! Yes, Di, as in (try to) block him out completely.
You're probably baffled, so I will explain my "theory."
So what? So what if I like some cute guy? That doesn't have to interfere with my normal life. I should go ahead and be myself, as the adage goes. I am smitten with a boy. It's a common, everyday occurrence. And in being myself, the boy just might like what he sees-- a girl being herself. It's not my problem if he doesn't. I'm me, and I can't change that. I'm not going to be somebody I'm not to impress a guy who happens to be blessed with good looks. (This goes for all guys, not just my current "love"). There are plenty of fish in the sea. (Another adage). And if the one on the hook that I use wriggles and he doesn't suit my tastebuds, I'll just throw him back and try again.
Vanessa
P.S.-- I hope all my entries can be this eye-opening!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
February 10, 1998
"What's in a name?" Shakespeare once asked. That quote became one of the most famous in the world. Now I ask a similar question-- what's in a diary, MY diary, to be exact? Of course, I KNOW what's in it, but I think you'll understand once I get going.
Here is what I think my diary reveals: the thoughts of an adolescent girl trying to find her identity as a player in this constantly changing world. How does she fit in? What role has God chosen for her to fulfill?
I think you, Di, reflect every (almost) girl's diary: a swirl of confusing emotions, the battle to fit in, and yes, even our crushes all are somewhat alike: a person we are trying to pin affection on in vain and who often does not respond favorably.
That is why some good soul invented diaries: a private place to vent our changing feelings as we grow and mature.
I'm not trying to win the Most Thoughtful Entry, Di. I firmly believe that I am correct: I am one of the millions of girls across the WORLD who frequently pour out their souls in the pages provided. We are all different, but with one thing in common: a diary is closer to us than our best friend.
Vanessa
Here is what I think my diary reveals: the thoughts of an adolescent girl trying to find her identity as a player in this constantly changing world. How does she fit in? What role has God chosen for her to fulfill?
I think you, Di, reflect every (almost) girl's diary: a swirl of confusing emotions, the battle to fit in, and yes, even our crushes all are somewhat alike: a person we are trying to pin affection on in vain and who often does not respond favorably.
That is why some good soul invented diaries: a private place to vent our changing feelings as we grow and mature.
I'm not trying to win the Most Thoughtful Entry, Di. I firmly believe that I am correct: I am one of the millions of girls across the WORLD who frequently pour out their souls in the pages provided. We are all different, but with one thing in common: a diary is closer to us than our best friend.
Vanessa
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Restaurants to which I have taken my mother in the last year
Keys-- numerous times for pancakes
Old Mexico-- numerous times for chips
Macaroni Grill-- numerous times for bread
The Broiler-- once for pancakes
The Tea Garden-- twice for bubble tea
The Uptowner-- once for pancakes
Old Mexico-- numerous times for chips
Macaroni Grill-- numerous times for bread
The Broiler-- once for pancakes
The Tea Garden-- twice for bubble tea
The Uptowner-- once for pancakes
Events to which I have been or will be going November 2009
November 6th, Friday evening: Park Square Theatre, "Othello"
November 7th, Saturday evening: Ballet Minnesota, Fall Dance Concert 2009
November 8th, Sunday afternoon: Frederic Chopin Society, Joyce Yang
November 7th, Saturday evening: Ballet Minnesota, Fall Dance Concert 2009
November 8th, Sunday afternoon: Frederic Chopin Society, Joyce Yang
February 7, 1998
Dear Di,
I just... cannot believe it. It's so weird. I love it! You obviously don't have a clue as to what's going on, do you, Di? Well, let me explain myself.
[The "Titanic" song] just came on a few minutes ago. At the beginning of the song, I usually picture Eli & me just entering onto the deck at sunset, by ourselves. He helps me climb up on the rail, where Rose and Jack had THEIR kiss(es).
But I couldn't, during the song, picture WHO it was kissing me, WHO was holding my hand... same as Rose and Jack. WHO knocked me down on the playground... when in all the other times I knew it was him. Eli, I thought slowly, hazily. Eli... who? In that same, slow, dizzying manner, I remembered. Eli... Klein.
Why should this matter? you ask. The wonderful answer: he is consuming less of my thoughts, slowly but surely. It's been happening a lot lately. I was walking home yesterday when it hit me: Eli. I had not thought of him this whole bus ride. I did not think of him last night, nor this morning until "the song" came on. In fact, when I "remember" to think of him, it takes awhile to think of WHY. Lately, when I see him on the playground, I don't even think of how cute he is. Nothing even comes to MIND when looking at him anymore. It's so wonderful! Slowly, I am getting over him. My broken heart is becoming mended, etc. And if this keeps up, he should be completely gone from my thoughts by at least summer, probably (much) sooner!
Happy, cheerful, and dancing with joy,
Vanessa :)
I just... cannot believe it. It's so weird. I love it! You obviously don't have a clue as to what's going on, do you, Di? Well, let me explain myself.
[The "Titanic" song] just came on a few minutes ago. At the beginning of the song, I usually picture Eli & me just entering onto the deck at sunset, by ourselves. He helps me climb up on the rail, where Rose and Jack had THEIR kiss(es).
But I couldn't, during the song, picture WHO it was kissing me, WHO was holding my hand... same as Rose and Jack. WHO knocked me down on the playground... when in all the other times I knew it was him. Eli, I thought slowly, hazily. Eli... who? In that same, slow, dizzying manner, I remembered. Eli... Klein.
Why should this matter? you ask. The wonderful answer: he is consuming less of my thoughts, slowly but surely. It's been happening a lot lately. I was walking home yesterday when it hit me: Eli. I had not thought of him this whole bus ride. I did not think of him last night, nor this morning until "the song" came on. In fact, when I "remember" to think of him, it takes awhile to think of WHY. Lately, when I see him on the playground, I don't even think of how cute he is. Nothing even comes to MIND when looking at him anymore. It's so wonderful! Slowly, I am getting over him. My broken heart is becoming mended, etc. And if this keeps up, he should be completely gone from my thoughts by at least summer, probably (much) sooner!
Happy, cheerful, and dancing with joy,
Vanessa :)
Thursday, November 5, 2009
February 5, 1998
Dear Di,
The "Titanic" song just finished playing. I swear, Di, I just FREEZE when that song comes on. I'm just powerless to move. The song is just so moving. When the song plays, without meaning to, these visions of Eli (who else?) and me dance in my head.
I've done a lot of thinking and come to realize what I didn't want to think: Eli and Lena. But this isn't an entry where I vent angry feelings toward him. This is an entry where I COMMEND her.
You heard me, right, Di? After all, it's not her fault that she took a chance, risked humiliation, and now is happy. In fact, though my heart is heavy with sorrow, I applaud her brave efforts and don't mind admitting I envy her. Maybe she and Eli ARE meant to be. I mean, I only lusted after him because he was cute. But maybe Lena finds something in him that I was unable to, something pleasing in that cocky manner and mischievous, daring ways. And if she does, then, God, please make them stay together and make each other happy. If there's anything our world can never get enough of, it's true happiness and love.
I hate being so wise!
Vanessa
The "Titanic" song just finished playing. I swear, Di, I just FREEZE when that song comes on. I'm just powerless to move. The song is just so moving. When the song plays, without meaning to, these visions of Eli (who else?) and me dance in my head.
I've done a lot of thinking and come to realize what I didn't want to think: Eli and Lena. But this isn't an entry where I vent angry feelings toward him. This is an entry where I COMMEND her.
You heard me, right, Di? After all, it's not her fault that she took a chance, risked humiliation, and now is happy. In fact, though my heart is heavy with sorrow, I applaud her brave efforts and don't mind admitting I envy her. Maybe she and Eli ARE meant to be. I mean, I only lusted after him because he was cute. But maybe Lena finds something in him that I was unable to, something pleasing in that cocky manner and mischievous, daring ways. And if she does, then, God, please make them stay together and make each other happy. If there's anything our world can never get enough of, it's true happiness and love.
I hate being so wise!
Vanessa
Sunday, November 1, 2009
February 1, 1998
Dear Di,
"I write as I write," "I eat as I eat," I often say. But today I am going to broach a different subject which I call: "I am as I am."
I've always wanted to change my personality. Nearly every morning since this year, I've woken up and thought, "This is it. Today I'm going to change-- REALLY change. I'm going to be a great sister, daughter, and friend."
But that never quite happens. I end up being rude to my sister, lazy and sarcastic to my parents, and uncaring to my friends. So what if they act the same towards me? I still want to change.
I remember a conversation I was having on the phone with Francine. I was being uncharacteristically "silent," because Fran kept asking me, "Why are you being so quiet?," since I'm usually a chatterbox.
See, I WANTED to be quiet, to understand and find out if my friends would like and respect me better when I wasn't talking a mile a minute. In fact, she (Fran) just acted bewildered that I wasn't up to par. (In chatting skills).
I guess people just, after a period of time, come to expect certain things from certain people, after seeing their true colors, as Anne Frank puts it.
An example is that I'm in the lower math & English class, yet maintain straight A's in those classes.
This is because I pay attention and manage to understand math & English. A direct result is that I can pull of A+'s sometimes on the tests. The others in these lower classes regard me as "smart." So naturally, they were shocked when I got a C on my English test.
Also, I haven't gotten any lates for a long time. Next time I get a late, I'll be sure to turn on the news. I'll be the cover story!
Time to start marking some points. What if I DIDN'T make straight A's and got lates? What if it was the other way around? What if I worshiped C's? What if I got the occasional A? People might not believe me. That is deadly scary. No one would think me capable of the work I am used to doing? I shudder to think of the inevitable.
But that's just it! I want to change, but I can't. That's another thing! It's always, "I can't," never "I can."
And I DO want to change that! I want with all my heart to be the caring sister, helpful daughter, and reliable friend. I also don't want to be such a wimp. I'm afraid of roller coasters! I'm afraid to try new things, read stories other than "fluff books."
I get so frustrated with myself! There are all these things I want, long, NEED to be. But the fear of being someone else, of changing, almost as if being a better person, is stopping me.
You know what's weird? Just being ONE of those things (take being a better sister) could make me a better daughter and friend. By forcing myself to be cordial and polite to Amanda, I'll be more respectful towards Francine and Tess, and not so sarcastic to Mom and Dad.
What a revelation! It's almost scary that I've become so "wise."
It doesn't mean I'll stay that way, though. Most likely, tomorrow will go the same as usual: slap Amanda in the hallway, shoot off my mouth at Mom, sarcastically comment on something to my friends, give rude answers to the obnoxious guys in English, yell (and drool) at Eli when he & Keith decide to hit snow at me, etc.
Don't you see, Di? The problem isn't everyone else, it's ME! I'm the reason I've got so many problems. I create them!
That's why everyone's so turned off by my personality. It's so awful. I'm mean, short-tempered, and down right rude.
That's why I have to change. I have to be something I'm not-- kind, patient, polite, a good listener, loyal, etc. Everything that someone finds good in someone I've gotta be.
In my YM magazine, guys said they went for a pretty, intelligent, witty, and caring girl. Now while I can't do much about that first part, I can certainly improve on the other three. And maybe, I'll end up being a good girlfriend as well.
But I'm not on this crusade to impress Eli. I'm doing this to, as I have said, become a better person. May God wish me well on my journey!
Vanessa
"I write as I write," "I eat as I eat," I often say. But today I am going to broach a different subject which I call: "I am as I am."
I've always wanted to change my personality. Nearly every morning since this year, I've woken up and thought, "This is it. Today I'm going to change-- REALLY change. I'm going to be a great sister, daughter, and friend."
But that never quite happens. I end up being rude to my sister, lazy and sarcastic to my parents, and uncaring to my friends. So what if they act the same towards me? I still want to change.
I remember a conversation I was having on the phone with Francine. I was being uncharacteristically "silent," because Fran kept asking me, "Why are you being so quiet?," since I'm usually a chatterbox.
See, I WANTED to be quiet, to understand and find out if my friends would like and respect me better when I wasn't talking a mile a minute. In fact, she (Fran) just acted bewildered that I wasn't up to par. (In chatting skills).
I guess people just, after a period of time, come to expect certain things from certain people, after seeing their true colors, as Anne Frank puts it.
An example is that I'm in the lower math & English class, yet maintain straight A's in those classes.
This is because I pay attention and manage to understand math & English. A direct result is that I can pull of A+'s sometimes on the tests. The others in these lower classes regard me as "smart." So naturally, they were shocked when I got a C on my English test.
Also, I haven't gotten any lates for a long time. Next time I get a late, I'll be sure to turn on the news. I'll be the cover story!
Time to start marking some points. What if I DIDN'T make straight A's and got lates? What if it was the other way around? What if I worshiped C's? What if I got the occasional A? People might not believe me. That is deadly scary. No one would think me capable of the work I am used to doing? I shudder to think of the inevitable.
But that's just it! I want to change, but I can't. That's another thing! It's always, "I can't," never "I can."
And I DO want to change that! I want with all my heart to be the caring sister, helpful daughter, and reliable friend. I also don't want to be such a wimp. I'm afraid of roller coasters! I'm afraid to try new things, read stories other than "fluff books."
I get so frustrated with myself! There are all these things I want, long, NEED to be. But the fear of being someone else, of changing, almost as if being a better person, is stopping me.
You know what's weird? Just being ONE of those things (take being a better sister) could make me a better daughter and friend. By forcing myself to be cordial and polite to Amanda, I'll be more respectful towards Francine and Tess, and not so sarcastic to Mom and Dad.
What a revelation! It's almost scary that I've become so "wise."
It doesn't mean I'll stay that way, though. Most likely, tomorrow will go the same as usual: slap Amanda in the hallway, shoot off my mouth at Mom, sarcastically comment on something to my friends, give rude answers to the obnoxious guys in English, yell (and drool) at Eli when he & Keith decide to hit snow at me, etc.
Don't you see, Di? The problem isn't everyone else, it's ME! I'm the reason I've got so many problems. I create them!
That's why everyone's so turned off by my personality. It's so awful. I'm mean, short-tempered, and down right rude.
That's why I have to change. I have to be something I'm not-- kind, patient, polite, a good listener, loyal, etc. Everything that someone finds good in someone I've gotta be.
In my YM magazine, guys said they went for a pretty, intelligent, witty, and caring girl. Now while I can't do much about that first part, I can certainly improve on the other three. And maybe, I'll end up being a good girlfriend as well.
But I'm not on this crusade to impress Eli. I'm doing this to, as I have said, become a better person. May God wish me well on my journey!
Vanessa
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