January 24, 1998

I'm nearing the end of "The Diary of Anne Frank." I read it numerous times-- it's one of my favorite books.

Anne & I are so different! Especially in the way of topics. To quote her [:] "I'm too wrapped up in myself" to talk about food rations, how the Secret Annex is set out, how Mr. Kugler's stomach is constantly bleeding, etc.

And yet, if I were to be in hiding as she was, I might talk of such things, too. At the very least, I wouldn't be thinking about me, me, me. Oh yes, & Eli.

I can feel the anger rushing back to yesterday, Friday, on the playground. Being boys, Eli & his equally brainless best friend, Keith Kopp, had to go and stir up trouble by hitting snow at us w/ their hockey sticks.

When I think about what Eli said, I guess he had some right. I mean, there I was, standing stupidly, unable to tear my eyes away while Francine & Tess were getting them back by kicking snow and throwing it at them.

And then he said it. "Get Vanessa, she's the weak one," he said to Keith. "Thanks," I said sarcastically.

A little while later, still seething, Francine called me Stickgirl. (For some odd, forgotten, unknown reason).

Of course, Eli had to weasel his way into the conversation & call me something. (Forgot that, too). "Don't call her that," Francine exclaimed. "Call her Stickgirl." (By the way, they call me that because, according to them, I'm "a stick with bones & flesh." Francine again). "OK. Stickgirl," Eli said.

I wanted to wring their little necks. They're so cruel, mean-spirited, sarcastic, etc. They're just perfect for each other. As fate would have it, they hate each other's guts. I secretly think Francine likes him, but won't admit it. (To me or herself, if she hasn't already).

As for Karl Isaacson, her current "lover," she thinks we're a match made in heaven. We've both got dark hair, are smart, slow to absorb things, have the same amount of letters in our last names, etc. The list goes on and on.

Sometimes I wish I could have a crush on him, just to make Francine mad or jealous. And I do, sort of. But she wouldn't get mad. She probably wouldn't even care.

DO I like Karl? Sure, he's cute. OK. Very cute. OK. Super cute. He doesn't compare to Eli (in cuteness), but he's got a much better personality. Francine thinks he's scum. See, at the beginning of the yr., she was REALLY infatuated with him. Enough to send him a letter telling him she "sort of" liked him. (Just to be on the safe side). Anyhow, we agree (F & I) that Karl's friends were by his desk when he got the letter. And the next thing anyone knew, Uri Irving & Noah Hart were asking Fran if she wanted to go out with him. "Maybe. I'll have to think about it," she replied. Inside, we both knew she was literally DYING to say yes.

So where does all that bring us back, Di? Oh, yes, to him himself.

When I talk or write to Francine, he comes off from me as a scumbag, a greaseball, when deep down inside, here, where I can be confident no one will see this, I think he's really funny, sweet, if a little impatient. But aren't we all?

I've let on to Francine that I think he's cute. But she'll (hopefully) never know HOW cute. Because we're talking complete, utter gorgeousness. And it's so endearing to see him stutter. I won't deny I've let my eyes wander to where he's sitting quite a few times. Oh, Francine would hopefully be so infuriated if she knew!

Am I mean person? Looking over this last sentence, I seem the epitome of cold and uncaring to want to see one of my best (maybe) friends more miserable than she already is over him.

"What is it I want?" I ask myself. Do I really like Karl as much as I think I do, or am I just pretending to like him because my "relationship" with Eli is going nowhere? Or do I really "like" him?

The terrible truth is, I WANT to see Francine unhappy. But why? What is there to gain from her being more depressed than she already is? WHY do I want her moping around? And perhaps most pressing of all-- WHY?

I really am a horrible person. I always thought of me as not as nice as I could be, but at least OK. I haven't felt so venomous toward her. There is nothing she has that I want. (Except a dog and a family that's not kooky like mine).

Everything is happening so fast. My feelings for Eli, Francine, Karl, even me. YOU, at least, are stable. I'll never hate you, or fall head-over-heels in "love" with you, or be uncertain about my feelings.

No, you are and always will be the same. I can trust you not to leak things I want hidden, or to hurl snow at me. You will always be waiting patiently for me to sort out my jumbled thoughts.

I thank you, with all my heart. And I know that with you here, I'll get through the mess. Somehow.

P.S. I really don't feel like ending these all with "Sincerely" or "Yours," like Anne. So from how on, I'll end with whatever I feel like. And no more '98. It's really stupid!

Truly,
Vanessa