January 26, 1998

Dear Di,

When I think what I wrote in that last entry, I can hardly believe it. My head must not be on straight. Sure, Karl is cute, VERY CUTE, and nicer than Eli, but he just doesn't have "that effect" on me. My heart doesn't speed up and tap-dance when I see him, like it does with Eli. And I swear, it DOES take effort to take my eyes off him. (E.K).

I guess I've described Karl as a slimeball, greaseball, etc. to Francine that I actually am believing it. He's just a stupid, moronic guy who happens to be blessed with good looks.

That has me thinking. I mean, guys are cute just by chance. It's not like they have a chance or choice. Eli's dad must have been a major hunk. How else could the guy I swoon over be so drool-worthy? His mom's OK-looking. She's nice, too.

Let me rephrase myself: Eli's dad must [be] (or still is) the most arrogant, self- centered, gorgeous jerk on the planet. It's the only way he could be so cute and such a jerk.

On to something else. In my letters, I use to bare my soul to Francine. Did she (to me?) I remember early this year how Francine was so infatuated with K.I. and would yack my ear off about "how cute he is." At that time, I was really bored. I couldn't understand how someone could base a whole conversation on a guy!

This was my reasoning: They're cute. But they're GUYS! Doesn't that say it all?

When we are the most "in love," I think, is when we are at our most innocent and vulnerable. This is when we spill our secrets in earnest, don't care if they're personal. They've been pent up so long (or short, in Francine's case) that we're bursting. (I'm talking about when we first develop a crush). It doesn't matter if someone isn't listening. All that matters is our feelings, and that we can finally share them with someone, no matter how uninterested they are.

Always & Forever,
Vanessa