March 18

Di--

It is over. I swear it is. Kaput. There will never be talk in here of E.K. & me again. I now have the evidence that he & Lena are in 7th grade love.

Lana's b.d. was yesterday. Wait, two days ago. Mona Petersen, Lena, Isabelle Norris, Babe Smithson, Ursula Canton, & Unity Abbott signed a card for her. I know all the people who signed it because Lana showed me on the bus.

I studied the card. "I didn't know you were friends with Ursula, Unity, and Lena," I remarked casually.

"Oh, I'm not, really. We just talk to each other at recess."

"Mmm..." [N]od of head.

"I mean, I never have them over or anything."

Gonna skip around now. I forgot all of what we said.

"But out of all of them, Unity and I are the closest of friends. She's gonna come over after dance in the summer and jump on the tramp w/ me." (Tramp stands for trampoline).

Now, I know we said something in between, but I forget. I DO remember the rest of our conversation from here, though.

"...Didn't you know? She's (Lena) going out with Eli."

I played dumb. "Well, I mean, I KNOW, sort of..." KNOW? I practically made it my LIFE to know what happened between them.

"She has 'I Love Eli' all over her notebook."

Oh. My. Lord.

"He gave her a stuffed animal for Valentine's Day..."

Him...her...

"...and they hugged. Didn't you see them?..."

Eli just ripped my heart out...

"Mona ran up to me and cried, 'Their first hug!'"

...and stomped on it.

I managed to laugh. "Their first hug? Sounds kinda funny."

Don't remember anything else, don't want to.

His arms

around her.

Her arms

around him.

Who wants the first piece of wedding cake?

I'm numb. I was such a fool to think he was interested in me. That ANY guy would be interested in me.

I should have known. I'm the ugliest female specimen on the planet. I was so, so crazy.

WHY? WHY? That question burns in my mind. WHY doesn't any guy like me? I wouldn't mind. I'd relish the thought of being a goddess in some guy's eyes. This perfect creature.

Wake up, Vanessa. The alarm's buzzing.

Me